A letter of apology.

Hey buddy,

One life lesson I need to teach you, Evan, is to be able to offer a heart felt apology when  you know you’re in the wrong.

Sometimes, in life, you’ll realize there are some that won’t apologize – and you’ll find yourself apologizing to someone you love on their behalf – because – well – it’s the right thing to do.

The past few weeks, I’ve been trying to find the right words to adequately express what I’m feeling.  And I search my mind…look at you…and realize…the classic way is the best way.

“I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry, son.  I’m sorry for so many things…for others…for me.

I’m sorry for doubting you.

I’m sorry for putting you in a place that is so beneath your abilities.

I’m sorry for thinking anything less of you than what God made you – a miracle.

I’ve watched you reach milestones I didn’t think were possible without extensive therapy.

Part me of has been setting the bar low so that you wouldn’t get your feelings hurt if you didn’t reach a goal.  Funny thing is – it was my feelings I was worried about.

You…you laugh everyday…just trying your best…doing what you love most…living.

And in your everyday – you’ve just been a regular toddler – exploring and destroying.

Another Heart Mama pointed out to me that I can’t let my fears of your life dictate what you can – will –  become.

And my, boy, what you can become is greatness…and nothing short of that.

It is hard letting go of those fears.  After all, your life is dictated by statistics.

People say to stop listening to those statistics…but if an expert in the weather tells you there is a 75% chance of treacherous thunderstorms…you’d stay indoors and be safe, right?

So…when I was told that there was a greater than 50% chance you wouldn’t make it to your first birthday…

So…when I am being told that all of the surgeries…two heart, one stomach, two cleft lip and palate, 3 heart catheterizations…the combination of all these and the time under anesthesia will greatly affect your development…

So…when I am being bombarded with statistics that you may not make it to your next surgery because of ‘complications’….

I’ve been choosing to stay indoors and be safe…avoid the storms.

But, you my child…my miracle…have chosen to strap on your rain boots, take out an umbrella, sit outside, and wait for the storm.  And while you wait…you joyfully live your life…choosing to ignore the statistics and surprising so many…including me.

Every time I set the bar so low for what I think you can do…you take that bar…use it as a step stool…and reach up and beyond…and won’t stop.

Some may look at what you are doing now and kind of shrug and say, “Well…he should be doing those things…he’s 16 months old.”

And for them…I apologize.

Because they don’t know your story.  They don’t know yours and your heart sisters and brothers…they don’t know that having breathing tubes in your throat cause major oral aversions to food and drink.

They don’t know that months and months of hospital stays and being immobile can cause severe motor delays.

They don’t realize that the surgeries and procedures you have endured…could have killed you…but you…YOU survived.

And after months of just trying to keep you alive…it’s hard to make the transition to watching you thrive.

But…I’m here.  I’ve finally caught up to you.

I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.

Because your next heart surgery is inevitable…you have to have it.  The time will pass to that time…and instead of sitting around and waiting for that storm…I’m ready to dance with you in the rain.  I’m done watching you, your sister and Daddy laugh…I’m ready to laugh with you…live with you.

 

Love, Mama (proud mom to Evan – heart warrior, repaired “wide smile”, 100% oral – food, drink and medications, saying and signing over 15 words, and so much more!)

Evan may2013 from Czarina Hounsel on Vimeo.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Thank You for sharing. For those that haven’t been through the hard times as you and others, it’s difficult to see it from your side. I say that I’m thankful for my daughters health and well being, but do I really appreciate it? Or do I only appreciate it when she’s not feeling so well or am I simply annoyed that she is sick? You’ve made me realize that there will be storms no matter what the situation. Some may be big some might not be. But, like your precious little Evan, I’m going to do my darndest to dance, laugh, and play in the rain, to weather the storms. Because all children are miracle and gifts from our Father in Heaven. We it owe it to our children to weather storms as they do…head on, never looking back. And we owe to our God for giving us his Son, so that we could live. Again Thank You.

  2. WOW!! He really is amazing!! There are children that have never gone through any of those things that are on the same page as he is! LOOK at him go!!! And he’s so smart! He figures out the solution to his problems all by himself!! 🙂

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Dude!!! Evan rocks and I LOVE Iz dancing in the background.