Bug and Bird

Ding! Ding! Ding!

In this corner…weighing 26 lbs, wearing Gymboree and big girl panties is Isabelle “Bug” Grace! Her partner…weight 8 lbs 5 oz, wearing Gerber footie pajamas, and size 1 diapers is Evan “Bird” Matthew!

Their opponent…weighing waytoomuchafterhavingababy, wearing maternity sweat pants, and hasn’t washed her hair in 3 days, is “The Mommy!”

Up for grabs – the mini weight title belt for “Baby Champion” – the one who is able to defeat Mommy and bring her down!  Unlike regular matches – these two will battle against each other – not at each other.  They will each take a blow at Mommy to see who is able to make her crumble!

Bug – the seasoned veteran – earning her name by first being called “Lady Bug” then “Bug” for short.  Her signature moves – tee teeing in her panties when she should go in the potty, throwing her toys, and yelling “No” for no apparent reason.

Bird – the rookie – earning his name for the baby sounds he makes when he sleeps – sounding very much like a baby “Bird.”  His signature moves – crying uncontrollably and making his face turn purple, pulling out his feeding tube, holding his breath!

Round 1:  Bug takes her stance.  Wait..what is she about to do?  Oh yes – the classic – take out all of her toys, put them on the floor, and not put them back.  Mommy fights back with her best rendition of – “Clean up, clean up, everybody do their part!”  Bug looks at her and ignores the Mommy.  Taking another strike – Bug pours out all of her blocks.  Mommy holds her ground, grabs a trash bag, and starts putting all the toys in the “garbage” and tells Bug that if the toys aren’t picked up, they’ll be thrown out.  Bug backs down.  Starts to put up the toys.

Round 1: MOMMY WIN!

Round 2:  Bird has on his game face.  Wait..it’s the poop face.  Hold on – his timing for this move is perfection – JUST as Mommy is changing his diaper and doesn’t have a wipey on a diaper to cover his – ahem – man parts.  Mommy recognizes the face – swiftly moves and grabs a wipe.  OH NO – the wipe is doing that awful accordion thing where you pull out one wipe but the rest of the 250 follow it!  Mommy hurries up to pull off just one…BUT…Bird unleashes fury from down south and Mommy is too late.  The mess is everywhere…and it’s 2am.

Round 2:  Bird WIN

Round 3:  Bug makes a move.  Oh no – she’s pulling out the big guns!  It’s the battle of the bedtime routine.  Bug decides that 8pm is not when she wants to sleep. She performs her best moves – asking for water, wanting another story, saying she doesn’t feel good, and the one to really bring down The Mommy – “I just want you to lay down with me and sing me a song because I love you” move.  The Mommy – guilt ridden from all the lack of attention she’s given the Bug – moves in and is about to give into the Bug.  Then…she sees the look of victory and the evil giggle escape The Bug.  Mommy draws back…The Bug sees the Mommy make this move…and then says the unspeakable, “Mommy – PLEASE lay down with me and pray.”  Ah yes…the prayer card.  And even though prayers had been said – twice – the Mommy can’t deny her Bug another prayer session.

Round 3:  Bug WINS!

Round 4:  Bird looks like he’s conceded.  After a round of angry crying during a diaper changing, Bird is exhausted.  Mommy considers this a “W” in the Mommy column.  Mommy turns for a second to throw out the diaper and returns to the Bird.  The Bird is smiling his wide, smile – no teeth, all gums, all cleft, so cute.  Mommy thinks this is a truce.  WAIT – what’s different.  OH NO!  Bird actually did it!  He made his move – he PULLED OUT HIS FEEDING TUBE…again.

Round 4:  Bird WINS!

After only 4 rounds, the Mommy decides to throw in the towel.  Then, after a long day, the Bug gives the Mommy a hug and says “I love you SO much!” and The Bird fusses and only wants to cuddle.  It’s only after these two simple acts of love that Mommy realizes…she’s the winner.

WHATEVER….the Bug and Bird are the real winners…BWAHAHA

 

Comments

  1. LOL, this cracked me up!