One of the new rules in Iz’s class with her new teacher is, “Keep your hands to yourself.”
It’s a rule to make sure that she doesn’t hurt someone else…or that her actions don’t bother someone who isn’t asking to be touched.
I want to expand on that…
“Keep your face to yourself.”
This past weekend, I’ve been trying to give my family some normal. I am really trying to venture out into the world for the sake of my best girl and the sanity of my husband.
Luckily, “venturing” out is limited with the weather cooling off and our instructions to stay away from crowds during our recovery time.
So…we venture out on walks in our neighborhood or to the park.
Yesterday, I experienced my first ever, “Stare at the kid with the strange face and thing coming out of his nose and continue staring and making faces until it makes the lady holding the baby so uncomfortable that she leaves.”
Craig was busy chasing Iz on the playground so he didn’t see what happened to me.
I had Evan in the baby carrier facing out so he could see the world.
His little feet kicked. His mouth would giggle and squeal. His arms would flap in excitement as he saw this new world we call “outside” like it was the first time.
I was loving it. I loved that my family was together. I loved that my boy was enjoying being normal. I loved it.
A family of 4 – with two twin boys – probably 18 months or so – strolled up to the playground.
My back was turned to them and I turned my head towards the family and gave them the obligatory half smile.
I would give Evan kisses and point out different things – the clouds, the puppies, the birds, the grass.
I finally turned and sat on the bench directly facing the family that was on the slide.
As soon as they saw the baby I was holding…the whole dynamic changed.
Jaws dropped.
Whispers started – between parents.
Staring commenced.
I stood up…decided I would be the better person and ignore their stares.
But, their judgmental eyes followed me. Their looks of disbelief cut through me.
Apparently – subtly was not their strong suit.
At one point, the Dad forgot to catch his 18 month on the slide because he was staring so hard.
I didn’t say anything because Iz was so close by.
I didn’t say anything because I was near tears.
And my boy was having too much fun…enjoying that moment….for it to be ruined by my tears.
I decided to head home after a few more minutes. Told Craig it was a bit chilly for Evan and needed to head back.
I thought about how this affected me. And suddenly became very sad for my boy.
Those people have no idea what he’s been through.
They have no idea that the feeding tube coming out of his nose doesn’t just keep him alive…allows him to thrive.
They have no idea that his “face” they could not stop staring at is a face I kiss daily, almost hourly, in thanksgiving to God.
Because my boy is perfect.
I also don’t know if their stares were meant to be in malice or just out of shear curiosity.
But, the stares, the faces, the expressions, were hurtful.
So, here’s a list friends, to take to heart for you and to perhaps share with your children, on how to react if you see someone who is different than you:
1. Get the stare out of your system: I get it. If something is not of the “norm”, it’s our natural tendency to be curious about it. If you see a special needs child or person, it’s ok to look at him/her. But, quickly do it ..and send a smile after the quick second you turn your head. Because reality of it is, the “abnormal” you may be gazing at, is the nothing but normal for him/her (or the parents that love him/her). And remember – these are our children – not a car wreck that you bottle neck to see the damage – these little people are not bad in any way….not ever.
2. Only smile: No other expression is welcome. No looks of sadness for the person. No pity glances. No looks of fear. I guarantee you the person or family you “feel sorry for” feels a million times more blessed to have the special someone in their life than you could ever imagine. And remember – cleft lips, heart defects, mental shortcomings – aren’t contagious – so please don’t act like breathing the same air as my kid will somehow pass to your perfect offspring. There’s a better chance your wet coughing, green snotted, “healthy” child can pass something on to mine.
3. If you’re curious, ask: I’d much rather have someone come up to me, ask me about Evan, than just continue to stare. I’m all about raising awareness. I’m all about sharing Evan’s testimony. He’s one tough dude. Just staring at us, makes me think that you are making judgments about me or my boy. And, yes, call it paranoia on my part, but I get to be paranoid….someone is staring at me and my boy like we are from another planet. And to be honest….I’ll probably give you a high five…it takes some cajones to go up to someone and ask, “Sooooo….what’s up with your kid?”
4. Take a cue from your kid: Parents tend to be the worst at staring. Kids, tend to stare for a minute, then go on their way. Maybe it’s the short attention span of littles, but they lose their interest and move on. Do that…refer to #1.
5. Teach your kid: That different is ok. Of course you can’t do this step until you teach yourself – that different is not necessarily a bad thing. Teach them (or yourself) that blessings come in all sizes, all shapes, all packages. Sometimes – a baby can have a smile that looks different. Sometimes – a kid has extra scars on them – maybe on their face or on their chest – because they battled through some pretty tough stuff that should be celebrated. Sometimes – a kid may not be walking or talking or eating like other kids do – but it doesn’t mean that the kid is any different than yours – it just means it may take that kid a little longer to get to those milestones – because they just reached some other pretty big milestones like surviving open heart surgeries, spine surgeries, or other some other medically necessary thing that got that kid to this today. Sometimes – that baby or kid – got to today because they had parents that wanted to give them a chance at a life – because that sweet baby – no matter what science may say about their genetic makeup (maybe they are rockin’ an extra chromosome) or their condition (I say F* statistics…1 in 10000 or 4 in a million….what-ev) – was the answer to a prayer whispered to God and the kid before them is a living breathing, testimony of hope.
Take it or leave it….my advice.
I hope you take it, though. And I hope you share it….because I know that many of us…including myself…need a reminder to,
“Keep our face…to ourselves.”
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