Week 6 – the numbers

Remember some of the best characters on TV – Jack, Hugo, John Lock on the best TV show ever…”LOST”?

That show was awesome.

I remember their obsession with “the numbers.”  The numbers that they were so fixated on….so fixated that it drove them to travel through time, make an island disappear?

Remember?

An entire hit show was centered around those numbers.  I bet the writers obsessed over them, too.

I probably would have fit right in with the misfits of “LOST.”

Because, I, am also obsessed with numbers.

The number on the scale.

The number of weeks.

The number of calories.

To the point of an unhealthy obsession.

If I just wrote about my weight loss journey – the encouraging stuff, the stuff that keeps me motivated – and that’s it – I’d be lying.

Because, so much of this journey is frustrating for me.

To date, I still have 11 lbs to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.

I’ve been working out and eating clean for about 4 weeks now (the two weeks prior I wasn’t dedicated like I am now).

Coach Amber is determined to make me stop focusing on the number on the scale.

But, like all things in my life, I need a number – a specific number – to satisfy my need.

For Evan – I need him to gain at least 20 grams a day.  I need his oxygen to be between 75 -85 whenever I check it (normal is 100 for healthy people :-( ).

I need him to take in 105 cc’s at his feedings, which happens 7 times a day, every 3 hours, over 50 minutes.

The numbers in my life.

Even in the ICU after Evan’s surgery, I remember the nurse practioner and the doctors trying to wean me from looking at the monitors.  Because unrepaired cardiac patients can have some crazy statistics during recovery, they use good old fashioned observation in addition to those values to make sure patients are doing ok.

I remember seeing Evan’s oxygen drop for a brief moment and asking about a lab value.  The doctors continued to assure me he was making great strides in the right direction. That they wanted to see him improve – climb up the recovery ladder – and sometimes in that climb – he may have a step back.  But, they continued to tell me over and over again, is that sometimes he’ll take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back – but it’s still a step in the right direction.  And the most important thing, aside from his “numbers” is just looking at him.

How does he look?  Without the monitors, without the lab values?

Just by sight and my gut.

Now, I am trained to look at him and honestly – there are times I forget until late in the evening to check his oxygen.  I “forget” that he needs me to check it because he looks so good now.

Now….if I can just get that same perspective for myself.

 

When I looked my best, I was 118 lbs and a size 2.  I also worked out 2 hours a day, walked to school, and got 8-9 hours of sleep.

Now…I am stuck at 133 lbs.  I’ve been hovering around this number for the past 2 weeks.

We are playing with a few things to see if I can drop more pounds.

A critical piece in this puzzle is the fact I only get 3 hours of solid sleep a night.  With Evan’s medication and feed schedule during the week, I’m not given the luxury of more sleep than that.  On really bad nights, I’m lucky to get an hour of solid sleep. On the weekends, Craig helps out quite a bit, but still then, I’m only able to get about 4 hours of sleep.

And sleep is so critical in losing weight.  There are so many things that happen when we sleep – your muscles recover, rebuild.  And when you don’t sleep, you put more stress on your body, which calls in stress hormones.  And these hormones tend to hinder your body’s ability to lose weight.

Amber knows she can’t do a thing about my lack of sleep and the stress in my life.  So she’s doing what she can – play with my calories, give me other goals to focus on.  Because here’s the bottom line – I’m at a healthy weight and I am getting stronger.

She wants me to look at how I look in the mirror and in my clothes rather than the number that stares me in the face.  That stinkin’ number on the scale.

I’m frustrated because the number on the scale isn’t what I want it to be.

But….

My pre-pregnancy clothes fit.  A bit snug in places…but they fit.  Which they didn’t 4 weeks ago.

Let’s talk numbers, then, shall we…

Four weeks ago:

– I was able to run 0.75 miles.

– I was able to do 2 consecutive pushups.

– I was able to pick up Iz for zero minutes – I didn’t have the strength.

Today:

– I can run over 5 miles.

– I can do 30 consecutive pushups.

– I tote around Iz like she’s as light as Evan.

– I’m down 2% body fat (2 lbs total)

– I’ve gained 4 lbs of muscle.

So, progress overall.

If I’m being completely honest, I would much rather be super skinny and see 118 lbs on the scale and not be able to lift Iz…that’s why I married big, strong Craig.

But, here we are.  I’ve suddenly gained so much strength, am looking better, feeling better….but yet….the number on the scale isn’t reflecting that.

That number is my obsession.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get passed it….even if I’m able to fit back into my size 2 clothes and have abs as tight as a drum.

It’s yet again, something I need to train my mind – and not necessarily – my body.

Bah…

 

Week 5 – Sabotage

Home girl Amber is hitting a bunch of nerves in my pea sized brain.

Coach – as I refer to her to my husband and friends – has been addressing some demons that have been hiding out in my closet.

One thing I’ve discovered is changing our mind is absolutely critical in changing your body.

This morning I woke up to an email from Coach Amber that addressed nutrition.

She talked about getting in our daily exercises and our rest days.  Then she went into nutrition and falling off the Body Back Bandwagon and falling victim to a craving, a bad choice.  And then she wrote this:  “You will feel empowered when you stay in control and stay disciplined. Don’t abuse yourself with more abuse. Don’t sabotage yourself.”

Sabotage: action to defeat or hinder a cause or an endeavor; deliberate subversion

How many times in my life have I done this to myself intentionally?

Seriously – I am notorious for this.  I do this in different areas of my life.

I do this with Evan all the time.  I constantly think the worse case scenario.  Not because I believe it most of the time, but because I think if I already defeat the positive…maybe the letdown or the disappointment won’t be as painful.

The other day I was in the pantry looking for a snack.  I complained to Craig and we can’t have all the chocolate chips, the Nutella (oh how I love thee…), the crunchy yummy chips in the house or I’ll give in and ruin all my hard work.

He looked at me like – girl…you crazy – and calmly said, “You’re the one that goes to the store and buys those things.  I never asked for it and neither did Iz and Evan doesn’t eat.”

I get it, ya’ll.  Sometimes there isn’t a deep, seeded underhanded intention of buying junk because sometimes you just want it.  But, when it comes down to it, I have that stuff in my house because it’s so easy to say, “It was just so hard to ignore.  I gave in.  I’ll be better next time.”

Then…I’m kind of free from blame…because the food just magically appeared in my pantry and the woes of my life overtook me, tackled me and forced me to eat a handful Hershey Kisses.

I like to sabotage myself so much because maybe I’m scared to succeed.

Silly – I know.

But, why?

Do I fear success because I’m so used to “failure?”  When I refer to “failure” it’s the failure that’s in my head.  The failure demon that whispers, “You don’t have to lose weight.  You’ll be fine just the way you are.  There’s no way you’ll be able to look as good as so and so.  The bad food tastes so much better..and it’s easier to deal with.  You’re not really worth it anyway.”

Ouch.  And yes…those voices are in my head a lot (along with the other ones I hear….).

I’m not worth it.  Why oh why?

I give so much attention to my family.  I plan everything out for them. I dress them, feed them, clean them.  About 99% of my day is for someone else.

At the end of the day – that1% that is left for me is so hard to muster up. I’d rather call my dealer “Papa John” to supply me with my crack that is a pepperoni pizza.

It’s just easier to give in and sabotage my hard work.  Because…I’ll fail anyways, right?

Wrong.

Remember – changing your mind needs to come first before changing your body.

I decided 5 weeks ago that I was going to make a change.  Yes…frustration and temptation are part of my day.  I want to lose 4 lbs in a day but that’s not going to happen.  I want to eat that #1 super sized, substitute the soda for a milkshake, and can I add onion rings?

This is a journey.  I feel very “The Bachelor” saying that all the time…this journey I’m on…

But it is.  It’s long.  Some stretches will be great – good work out days, good food choices.  Some stretches will be sh!t – “forgetting” to work out, bad food choices.  It’s just like life…take the good with the bad…focus on our end point…and remind yourself that everything you do or don’t do is a choice.

I think something important for me to remember is that there has to be an endpoint.  If I give myself 5 years to lose the last 11 lbs of baby weight I’ll be able to get off track easily and bounce up and down between good and bad.

I’ve set my realistic goal and I’ll stick with it.

Don’t be me.  Don’t sabotage yourself.  Don’t purposefully make a bad choice because when you look in the mirror you think you’re not deserving.

Think of the beautiful story that is your life.  You’re the star in the most exciting, melodrama, comedy, that is your everyday.  Think of how empty this world would be without you…your friends wouldn’t have you, you’re children wouldn’t have someone to look up to, your husband wouldn’t have someone to love and cherish.

Let’s stop thinking that it’s just easier to set ourselves up for failure because of those demons that sit on our shoulders saying, “You can’t.”

We’re so deserving of a life worthy of a star.

 

 

Just breathe

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Time – 20 minutes 53 seconds

Distance – 1.89 miles

I could hear myself breathing. One breath at a time.  In and out.  Steady. Rhythmic.

The Runkeeper app on my phone informed me how much I had run and how long I had run.

Close to 2 miles…

What was I running from?

Where was I running to?

This morning I woke up with my stomach in knots.  A normal occurrence on days we have cardiology visits for Evan.  And he’s been doing so well.  My little Michelin man – all rolls and all grin – has been thriving.  He has the occasional vomiting episode the doctor is concerned about but overall, he’s been pretty good.

I checked my phone – 4:59 AM.

Evan needed meds at 5AM and a feed at 5:30AM.

I decided to just stay up and do his 5:30 AM feed and let Craig sleep.

To pass time, I hopped on the internet to check on the daily happenings of my friends on Facebook.

I then saw that a fellow heart mom I had grown very close with was in dire need of prayers.  Her daughter had surgery last Friday and had been on life support.  The attempts to wean her from that support failed…and now the future of this little girl was slipping away.

I prayed.  Asked others to pray for Evan and for Ro.

I decided I needed to run.  Run away from it all.  Get my head clear.

I had a Body Back session last night. So trying to run less than 10 hours later is kind of ridiculous.

But something in me said, “Do it.”

So I did.

I opted for no music on my run.  I needed my mind to be clear.  I needed to hear my breathing.  I needed to pray.

I recalled something my Body Back instructor wrote in an email to me.  We’ve been discussing ways to tweak my diet and my work out regimen to I could truly optimize the 8 weeks and lose as much weight as I could.

I got stuck on something she wrote. After talking about calories and workout regimen she started another paragraph that started with: “So, here’s what it comes down to. Patience and self love.”

I remember reading it and it sticking on the forefront of my mind. I closed the computer and tried to ignore that statement.

As I remembered the statement, my feet quickened and my pace increased.

What was I running from?

Where was I running to?

I ran and I ran.  My head cloudy with thoughts of Evan.  Thoughts of Ro. And the nagging phrase Amber wrote to me:  “Patience and Self Love.”

I kept on running.  Focusing on my breathing.  Just trying to run as far as I could in hopes I could escape from some of the pain of my reality.

I started to feel my legs get sore.  A welcomed reminder that I my body was changing.  I focused on the uncomfortable sensation but kept on going.  I didn’t feel tired, yet.  I knew I had more in me.

I looked at the clock and it had been 48 minutes.  It was almost 7am and I needed to get home to get my family up and moving for the day.

So I stopped.  I knew home was about 10 minutes away – perfect for a cool down, walking pace.

Suddenly I didn’t have to focus on breathing.  Suddenly I didn’t feel the familiar ache of my muscles when I ran.

Suddenly I had to face everything.  And the tears started to fall….

And that’s when I ran – I ran right into the reality I was trying to avoid. {What was I running to?}

And that’s when I realized I was running from the fears that lurk in my mind everyday. {Where was I running from?}

“Patience and Self Love.”

Patience…

I realized that I’m so eager and so determined to work out and see results and forgo the patience is because I’m so afraid of having “home” taken from me.  I know how quickly our routine as a family can be disrupted in an instance.  Evan could go from good to bad…and then we’d be back in the hospital.

Time, I feel, is never on our side.  We’re dictated by the next medication, the next feed, the next doctor visit, the next therapy session.  There is so little time for much else that I am desperate to see results instantly – weight loss, strength, endurance – in lightening speed when really what my body needs is time.  It’s not about the physical change…it’s about the emotional changes I am desperate to reach – to a time of peace and certainty. Patience…

Self love….

I’m depleted.  I’m emotionally drained.  I give myself everyday to care for my Evan.  I give myself everyday to give my Iz stability in this time of instability.  I give myself every day to my husband to be his confidant, his escape from the stresses of work and life.  I’ve lost some of who I love in all of this.  I’ve lost some of the joy of who I am in everything we’ve been through.  I’ve neglected me for so long that I’m not quite sure who I’m trying to be.  Is the me of now enough?  Sometimes I don’t know.  Sometimes I wish I was so much more for those I love so I could “fix” everything that is wrong in our lives.  The concept of “self love” is so foreign.  I’ve lived so much of my existence as being something for someone – a good daughter, best friend, dutiful wife, doting mother.  I sometimes feel I fall short of all these things.  It’s also hard to be comfortable in my own skin when so much around me says to be something else – “younger…thinner…prettier….”  I’m lost in a world of comparing my best self to the best of the world…and not sure if it’s me that can’t keep up or if it’s the world that’s asking me to be an unrealistic version of me.

I took in all of these realizations on the way home.  I cried – from exhaustion, from realization.

I started to pray.  Just a simple, “Dear God…help.”

And that’s when I realized…

I just need to breathe.  In and out.  Focus on my breathing.  Focus on the pain we’re experiencing.  Pain means we’re changing…and working towards something better.  Patience is already here…isn’t that why Evan is so stable now?  Isn’t this time a time for reflection, preparation – God pulling me closer to him – asking me to finally surrender it all and preparing us for what’s ahead?

Self love – depleted – I’m depleted in it.  But isn’t now the time I need to turn to something – Someone greater – to fulfill that need?  I’m trying to be the best for everyone and forgetting the most important part of me…a child of a God who loves me so…who wants to love me despite of how I feel for me.  His love is enough.

My body is changing and I realized it’s not about the weight.  It’s my mind that is desperate for change…

So today…I’m still struggling.  Still unsure.  But there’s so much I cannot control but there’s one thing I can.

And that’s just to breathe.

 

 

 

 

Week 4

First, thanks for everyone who has sent me messages and emails!  Your encouraging words and desire to get into a workout routine have been so motivating.

Second, I feel like I have to give everyone a disclaimer before I go further.  You know…to free me from liability of any sort if someone decides to work out and “eat right” and doesn’t lose weight because he/she eats chips all day calling them a vegetable or Skittles and calling them fruit.

I’m not a fitness instructor – although I someday do want to wear the thong leotard over skin tight leggings with a side pony tail.

Someday I'll be her...someday."

I’m not a nutritionist but I do know how to eat right.  Basically – “if it doesn’t come from the Earth or have a mother” don’t eat it.  Cut out the processed stuff.  The ingredient list on anything you eat should read like a cookbook and not a chemistry book.  If you see a label that you have to call a chemist to decipher for you, probably not a good choice.

I’m not getting paid by anyone or any product that I may talk about.  However…that would be kind of nice…so someone get the company that makes spinach on the phone because I eat that mess like I’m Popeye’s long lost kin.

I hope if you’re reading this it’s giving you some kind of hope that getting fit can be done no matter what your circumstance.  I am in the throes of some of the hardest stuff I’ve ever been in.

Having a special needs child that requires constant attention, doctor visits weekly if not more, an almost 3 year old toddler, and a home to maintain is a lot of work.  It’s emotionally draining, so exhausting – I don’t get the luxury of consecutive hours of sleep anymore – I get a total of maybe 4 hours a night but in blocks of 30 min or an hour between Evan’s feeding and medications.

So, I’m tired.  But, I made the choice to put myself as a priority – and I’m doing it.  And so can you.

People have asked how I’m staying so motivated.  It’s a simple answer…using our “W’s”

Who. What. When. Where. and How.

Who am I doing this for?

Ultimately, for me.  There’s a part of me that wants to sit on the couch, watch reruns of the “Gilmore Girls” and “Overboard” and munch on chips and Nutella all day.  But, there’s a bigger part of me that craves feeling physically and mentally well.  I love the feeling when you’re starting to work out, you’re at your breaking point, the point to where you want to cry, give up, say “eff this sh!t*, but you just continue on..and suddenly you realize – you actually did it!  I like seeing myself looking better.  I like feeling that I’ve finally given myself a fraction of the attention I give to my children and my husband.  I like feeling my healthy heart beat as I push myself to the limit.  I like the feeling of sweat dripping down my arms and my back because I’m working so hard.  I like knowing that I’m eating purposefully and treating my body – a beautiful and undeserved temple from God – as He intended – with honor and with respect.  I also like looking good in clothes…and undressed. Because there is that moment we all have – when we get nekked (that’s the Southern version of “naked”) before we hop in the shower and we catch a glimpse of our bodies…and we stop and think…”Oy vay..”

What is my motivation?

 Motivation has changed for me.  It’s an evolution as it should be for all of us.  Ten years ago my motivation would have been to look smokin’ hot in a pair of Daisy Dukes so I could prance my hot mess around a stage at spring break in South Padre in some random club…erm….hypothetically speaking of course.  Now, I’m motivated because I have a son who needs the best of me.  His tiny, broken heart deserves not only to be well – but for those who love him – for those who are fighting for him – to have well hearts, too.  If he’s going to fight for a healthy body the least I can do is eat a carrot every now and then and do a 30 minute DVD with my pal Jillian M ichaels.  I’m motivated because I have a daughter who deserves for her mother to exude the same amount of self confidence that I pump into her brain everyday.  I want her to see herself as beautiful and healthy – and the most important female role model for her – MOI! – better do what I can to be the example for her that she deserves.  I’m motivated because I want a healthy body for Craig to ravage to love for as long as we both shall live.  I made the vow – in sickness and in health – and I’m holding my end of the bargain up with the health part.

When?

I finally decided now is the time.  Evan was out of the hospital and he is doing fabulous…for now.  I don’t know what God has in store for Evan in regards to his health.  So, I’m taking full advantage of the gift of home He’s given us.  Plus, if I continue to say..”I’ll do it tomorrow” I almost feel pretty presumptuous.  I mean…if there’s one thing Evan has taught me is that we are never promised a tomorrow.  So, why not start it today? I also know that “starting” tomorrow is a dangerous term…because I’ll always have an excuse for why we should continue to push tomorrows – days, weeks, months, even years down the line.

Where do I want to see change?  

In my ass.  Ok – not really – but yes – really.  I want to be toned and fit everywhere.  I know there’s not much that can be done to my “Women of the Amazon “National Geographic” breastesses – hey now..these ladies kept my children alive and healthy – for a very brief amount of time my ladies were hard working tools.  BUT, I know if I work hard I can gain some muscle and lose some of the jiggle.  I say some..because I know it will take time for me to lose the belly flab.  I did carry a human being in that  – TWICE – so I’m going to give myself a little slack and not expect to see Abs O’ Steel in 8 weeks.

How am I going to do it?

I’m going to promise myself everyday that I deserve a better me.  I’m going to drink water and eat foods that are purposeful.  I’m going to work out to the best of my ability and push myself for that block of time.  I’m going to stop making excuses and start making a difference.  I’m going to cut myself a break if I cheat once a week – I mean – a life without margaritas, red wine, chocolate cake, butterscotch pie, chips and dip – is like the upcoming season of “Jersey Shore’ without Snooki….kind of pointless.

 

So…that’s my motivation.  Ask yourself the same questions…be honest…and then get moving.

I love Body Back for so many reasons.  I love the community of women I’m working out with – we are all different – all Moms – some of us work outside the home and some of us our sole job is taking care of our home.

I love the motivation I get from them and I give to them.

I love Sargent Amber checking on me everyday.  I love how she scrutinizes what I’m eating..I mean..she actually suggested I eat MORE to help lose weight…worried my strict calorie intake may be putting my body on lock down.

Am I really going to say it?

Yes.

I love the kick butt work outs.  Doing push ups on Bosu Balls, doing this V sit thing where my a$$ balances on the the Bosu ball and I work out my abs (and this one is hard…I have a condition called “Ihaveabonyassbutamchubbyeveryelse-itis”), planks on stability balls, mountain climbers on gliders…and that’s just a part of it!

If you want a glimpse of hell – take a Body Back class – because – it’s hot, sweaty, you’re hating life for that hour, and it feels like eternity!

So…to answer a few of your emails and messages in this post…and now you know a bit of why I’m doing what I’m doing.

I know many of you asked about Mama Wants her Body Back. You can go to the main site here:  http://www.mamawants.com/

If you have specific questions or want to drill coach Amber – my instructor – please email her at amberdeanfitness@yahoo.com

Can you do this?

Can you get healthy for you?

Absolutely.

You deserve it.

 

 

Week (Weak) 3

Imagine if Jillian Michaels from the “Biggest Loser” and sweet, ole Pollyanna made a baby.

       +     

Yup – you got it – that’s my instructor Amber.  Hardcore trainer inside a positive, bubbly 5 ft 2 super toned frame.

Remember last week I told you I was doing a class called Body Back?  It’s all moms – all ages, all shapes, all sizes – we all have littles running around or did at one point, we all know the greatness of eating whatever you want during pregnancy, and then forgetting that all that food – the Oreos, the cheeseburgers, the milkshakes – don’t just melt off.  I mean…Evan was only 6 lbs 9 oz…so I’m not sure what I did with the other 52 lbs I gained.

I didn’t want to commit to a program or a gym membership because of our unpredictable schedule.  I was convinced Evan would have to admitted in the hospital gain this week because of his vomiting but he did well at his cardiology visit and we dodged another bullet and got to stay home.

But, Amber is a good friend of mine.  And I took Body Back when Iz was about 18 months old and it.was.awesome!

So, she offered to let me take the class because she’s so nice and she knew that I needed something to pull me out of my house for a couple of hours a week.

We had our measurements and fitness assessments this week.

I am going to stay positive…so I’ll describe my assessment as, “When you start at the bottom…there’s only one way to go but up!”

I am THAT out of shape.

We ran and got timed, did push ups, sit ups, squats, tricep dips…as many as we could do in one minute.

Longest minute ever.

I also got measured – my chest, my waist, my hips, and one thigh.

And here’s something I learned…I am related to this guy:

Long lost cousin

My measurements – chest, waist, hips – are all the same number.  Seriously…one rectangle.

I’ll eventually get back to my “Baby Got Back” numbers….you know…36, 24, 36…

Back to Amber…

She monitors what I eat every day.  She tells me if I need to add something (protein…), take something away (my beloved French Vanilla coffee creamer…), and monitors my fat, carbohydrate and protein percentages.

She checks up on me – makes sure I’m eating the right foods – wholesome foods that are clean – nothing processed.

It’s kind of great.  I have to watch what I put in my mouth…”that’s what she said..” Ha…

Seriously – I can’t just stuff a few Goldfish crackers in my mouth, sneak in a spoonful of Nutella…or Amber will know and then I’ll get into trouble 😉

I thought she was so sweet….until tonight’s first Body Back class.

You know that moment when you’re working out and you want to throw up…yup…I had those moments many times tonight.

She made us really work.  I mean really work.

I really pushed myself because she kept on saying, “You can do this!”

And every time she said it I would picture my Evan working hard to just breathe….and then I pushed myself a little harder.  Because as long as his heart has to work hard…I’ll make my heart work, too.

All joking aside – Amber and the other women in this class are helping me become a better me.  Body Back suddenly became therapy to me when I opened up about why I was doing the class – for my heart warrior, for my best girl, for my husband and best friend – to be a better me because they deserve it and so do I.

Did I mention that I ugly cried while I poured my heart out to this group of strangers?  Poor souls…they just wanted to get a good work out in and suddenly there’s this chunky Asian dry heaving through tears.

Today’s class was tough.  It was really, really hard.  I almost cried in the middle of these push up things she made us do because I was hurting so bad and all I could picture was Evan trying so hard to do the “mini push up” all 4 month old babies can do…but he still can’t because his heart just can’t handle it.  But I didn’t want to be labeled – “The Crier.”

But I got through it.  And today I realized how weak I am.

But today is over.  And I’m becoming the me I want to be.  I’m finding strength in me – physically, emotionally, mentally – for those I love and for the one that I don’t love enough – me.

And tomorrow is a new day.

 

*I’ve decided to wait and post my final weight and measurements after this 8 week class.*

*If you want me to help motivate you and you need guidance on what to eat…send me a message and I’ll show you the program I’m using and how to add me!*

 

 

 

Week 2

May 14th

Weight:  136.6

Gain/Loss: +0.2

Ok – so I was bad this weekend.  It was Mother’s Day and we had a full weekend of fun.

A full weekend of fajitas and margaritas.

A full weekend of grilled chicken wings, ribs, red wine…

Thus..the gain.

I felt terrible – literally – felt yucky after the weekend of indulgence.

I should have known better but I gave into my cravings.

Have I mentioned I have no will power?

I don’t.

But, I started anew yesterday…

Then I started throwing up – a stomach bug has infiltrated my home…but only I am affected.

And before you guys start rumors…I am NOT pregnant!

Today, I am a bit better.  Eating normally – which means – eating clean and Daniel Fast friendly.

I am starting a program called Body Back on Thursday.  Pray for me…

A friend of mine is teaching the class and offered it to me – it’s a butt kicking workout – 2 days a week. And the rest of the time, I find time to work out on my own.

It’s accountability.

It’s the devil in a series of 8 counts and free weights…so freaking hard.  I wasn’t going to do it since I’d have to leave Evan for abour 2 hours a day…then I realized…I need this for me.  I need a little bit of time to focus on me – because I’m pretty sure the kid wants so see something other than my face scaring him to death with my rendition of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” and “Peek a Boo.”

I also have fallen in love with this site to help me eat better.  It’s awesome.

I’m also using the MyFitnessPal app to track my food, calories and work outs.  It’s hard dose of reality when you enter in your meals.  Reality bites…

How are you doing friends?

How was your weekend?

Do you have any tips for me or any recipes you want to share?

Til next week.

Stay strong, weight loss buddies.

Week 1

Here’s the latest on my weight loss lifestyle change to healthier me!

Weight: May 7 – 136.8

Loss:  1.4 lbs.

Last week I just started eating clean for the most part.  I indulged with chips and dip and a margarita..ok…THREE margaritas on Cinco De Mayo.  But, that’s ok.  I still want to live my life…just make changes slowly.

I did a couple of yoga classes (one of which was dedicated to my Evan!) and that’s pretty much it.

I’m starting to swap things out slowly…

Natural popcorn instead of chips.

Fruit instead of dessert (this is one I really struggle with).

I try and eat a salad for one meal a day…even for breakfast.

I’m finding that I have a serious addiction to sugar. I’m also realizing I turn to food when I’m sad.  Normally – if I’m under stress – I don’t eat.  But, this week, I was crying while washing bottles (not unusual), and I immediately wanted to eat a Nutella on a graham cracker.  Yum.  But, I wasn’t hungry.  Just wanted a bit of sweet to perk me up.

I will do a cleanse/fast for a few days to get my body back to center. I also need some time to feed my soul and spiritual side.

If you want to join me, I’ll be doing Daniel’s Fast and meditating on scriptures throughout the day.  I’ll start the fast starting Monday and will do it for 10 days.

If you have suggestions, recipe sites, motivating words…please leave a comment!  If you plan on joining me on this journey to a healthier me to find a healthier you…let me know by leaving a comment as well!

Cheers!

A weighty (waity) issue

“You’re FAT!”

Big smiles – loved hearing those words.

Evan’s cardiologist walked in for his appointment and those were his first words to my boy.

Weight gain is something heart babies struggle with.  Remember…bad ticker…and everything else struggles.

Even with Evan throwing up at least once a day, spitting up every other feed, he’s managed to put on weight and grow.

He must take after me (you know….the ability to gain weight without even trying :-( …)

Our goal is get him big .  The bigger he gets, the bigger his heart…and that means (God willing) everything will be bigger and stronger so the surgeon can have an “easier” time during Evan’s open heart surgery (gulp..).

He’s so unlike Iz.  Isabelle was long, lean…and struggled with weigh gain…still does.  She would nurse and take formula and still only gain a few ounces.  It took her 18 months to get to 20 pounds!

Evan is a hearty and stocky little man.  He is a healthy 13.3 lbs.

I am so proud of him.  He is doing everything he is supposed to do.

So now…we just continue to gain weight, monitor his oxygen levels, and let him be a baby.

BAH – this waiting….

And this waiting game is the hardest – because as everyday passes and I fall more and more in love with my boy – I have to watch and see if he starts to deteriorate.  Wait and see if his oxygen levels fall.  Wait and see if he stops gaining weight.

But, today, he’s great.  Today he’s still a chunk and a half that loves to babble, loves to play and suck on his hands, loves to kick and hit his toys, loves to smile and his sister, his Daddy, and his favorite person…ME!

Now…

My weight issues :-)

So, I’ve decided to document my weight loss – life style changing – journey with my blog readers (all 2 of you…).  It gives me accountability and it will hopefully give hope to the everyday woman – like me – who just needs to lose the baby weight but has a  life to live, a family to raise, and serious addiction to all things salty, crunchy, sweet and in a cocktail glass.

For the past few days, I’ve been eating clean.  Eating things that weren’t processed (oh how I wish Oreos came from a tree) and drinking tons of water (and coffee…)  Then, dinner time hit and I was starving.  I knew I hadn’t eaten enough during the day because by 5pm I was starving.  I gave in and ate a piece of lasagna the size of Texas.  It was made by a friend – so ate least I know it didn’t have preservatives in it….and the specialty candy from the Philippines was given to me by my aunt…it’s a cross between a piece of caramel and condensed milk…

I am not working out this week to rest my back. Oh…did I fail to mention I pulled something or some nerve is pinched in the middle of my back?  I hurt it while I was trying to save a tiny kitten from a burning house.

OR….I hurt it while I bent down to pick up my chunk-a-rific baby boy and failed to bend my knees…(man I’m old..)

I did manage a yoga class yesterday.  I was kind of ticked off during the class since there was just a bunch of breathing and holding the “pose” and feeling the energy.  What a crock of bull-sh.  Ha…stupid me.  I woke up this morning aching and sore in random places…I guess breathing and feeling the energy is legit!

But, I am drinking lots of water and eating kinda ok…

So, as I pass up the bag of chips, the spoonful of Nutella, the fried chicken – I try and remember why I’m doing all of this…not just to put on one of the 15 pairs of pre-pregnancy jeans I have in my closet (although Craig would appreciate it if I didn’t have to buy an entire new wardrobe) but to be the best me for my Evan, my Iz and Craig.

So…we weight as we wait…

Evan to gain it…

Me to lose it…

Starting weight 4/30/12 : 138.4

Starting Blood Pressure :  138/92

 

 

Three months post baby

P.S. I realized today as I was uploading this picture that there are no pictures of my Evan on here!  Oh blog readers…all 2 of you….you need to see my sweet boy. I will work on getting pictures uploaded in the next couple of days.  Warning…he is really cute and he is not allowed to date until he’s 30…so no falling in love with him :-)

I’m hungry just thinking about this….

Evan’s little body has endured so much already.

It makes me so thankful for all the things I took for granted.

A healthy heart, a healthy body…

And since his diagnosis, Craig and I made a promise to each other.

We would take care of our bodies because we are so thankful for the gift we’ve been given of a healthy heart and healthy body.

Of course, we indulge on the occasional sweet and occasional glass of wine (or margarita…or beer…or martini…) but overall we’d make sure to care for our bodies so that we could live a long life for our Isabelle, for Evan and for one another.

I mean..how crappy would it be for Evan to endure all of these heart surgeries and then Craig and I keel over.

Now, I know that we can’t prevent many things – but one thing we can do is to make sure we care for our bodies to the best of our abilities.

My sweet Evan forced me to put on 60 lbs during my pregnancy.  I mean…I would crave spoonfuls of Nutella over vanilla ice cream…and all those cravings were Evan telling me he NEEDED those things….

So, now…3 months post partum…I have about 18 lbs of weight to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Now…why the obsession with losing weight.

First – vanity.  Let’s be real…I want to look good.  But for me to look good…I have to feel good on the inside.  And, seeing a fit body makes me feel good.

Second – health.  My blood pressure is a bit high.  Yes…I am under a teeny tiny bit of stress 😉  But, the added weight doesn’t help.  I know this for a fact because I was this EXACT weight when I was put on blood pressure medication 6 years ago.  Once I lost the 20 lbs…my blood pressure was normal…better than normal.  And with Evan already on 8 medications and open heart surgery scheduled….there really is no need for me to put myself in a situation where my heart is in danger.

Third – family.  I want to be here to see Isabelle walk down the aisle and discovers the cure for CHD.  I want to be here when Evan wins his first Pulitzer Prize and wins his first Master’s and gets his green jacket.  I want to hold Craig’s hand when we’re old and gray…

I want to be the person for my family that they deserve.  I want to be the person for me that I deserve.  I want to have a full life…feel at my best to be my best.

So, starting on Monday….I’ll be documenting my weight loss journey.  I’m not overweight like the Biggest Loser overweight.  I’m just a normal mom – who wants to lose the baby weight to be the best version of myself for my family and for me.  I have a normal life – with the added stress of a heart baby.  I have to clean a house, get dinner on the table…I won’t commit to a gym or some crazy weight loss program.  I’ll make adjustments in my diet and make time to work out – even if that work out is a 30 minute stroller walk with my best guy.  I wish I could spend 3 hours at the gym and have a personal chef…but let’s face it…so many of us don’t have that luxury.

Encouraging words and some heckling to motivate me will be appreciated.  Ok…just the encouraging comments.  The last thing I need is to get my feelings hurt because then I’ll turn to my therapist…Mr. Chips and Queso, M.D.

Here’s to a healthier me…

Tomorrow…pictures. EEK.

 

Installment #1

It’s an unspoken rule – a law in our world – the pregnant world – that you should give into every craving for the 12 months you’re pregnant.

Yes 12 months…because for 3 months after you give birth – it’s still ok to wear your maternity clothes without being judged and that means you still can push out your belly in the comfort of elastic.

I'm in real danger of looking like this soon. Fat...not a different species...I mean.

But, in some case, eating everything in sight isn’t the best thing for you or the baby.

Supposedly, you’re not really eating for you two…you’re just supposed to make better food choices and eat foods rich in essential nutrients.

Whatever.

Since I’m supposed to stay off my feet, I’ve had to halt my desires to eat french fries at every meal, ice cream after dinner (every night), and hamburgers (with bacon and cheese…with a side of onion rings)…bummer.

So here goes – the 1st of many installments in the next few months of:

A Day in the Life of Pregnant Woman

Breakfast – my latest craving – egg white sandwich on whole wheat bread with pepper jack cheese, tomatoes, and cucumbers.  The egg white is for protein.  The whole wheat bread adds a bit of sweetness and heartiness.  I toast the bread because I love toasty warm bread.  The pepper jack cheese adds the little bit of heat I need these days.  I find the older I get, the spicier things have to be to taste good to me.  They say the first thing to go is your hearing…for me..it’s my taste buds.  The tomatoes I like for slight sweetness and hint of acidity.  And cucumber is for crunch and I feel the obligation to eat something green. Sometimes I add a bit of mayo..today I didn’t. *Pictures are really poor – I only had my small camera*

 

Snack – what I really want is Cheetos.  But, if I have Cheetos in my house, I’ll have perma-orange fingers because I have an addiction to them.  Pirate Booty, though, has the Cheetos feel without a lot of the guilt.  It’s airy, crunchy, and cheesy. (Note:  Be careful looking up Pirate Booty in Google Images….you may find something that will make you blush and nervous that you’ll get caught looking at)

Lunch – my Dad picked me up and we went to Zen Baking Company.  It’s not just desserts, but we have great desserts.  But, we’ve expanded our menu to include Asian inspired tapas with a lot of Filipino influence.  Today I shared, vegetable lumpia (crispy, spring roll fried to perfection filled with tofu, cabbage, and other veges with a spicy vinegar dipping sauce or the spicy banana ketchup), fresh crepe egg roll (also vegetarian but this one is a housemade crepe filled with green beans, sweet potatoes, and other veges that have been slightly sauteed and topped with a peanut sauce), and I took a bit of my sister’s field green salad tossed in a balsamic vinaigrette topped with miso glazed salmon bites.  YUM!

Field Green Salad

 

Crepe Spring Roll

Dinner – this was a throw together meal.  I got home late and didn’t know what we were having.  I saw the mac and cheese and thought maybe mac and cheese for everyone.  But, I found pork chops in the freezer, saw the potatoes and the stir fry vege pack and decided to make grilled pork chops with thyme and a little bit of lemon, mashed potatoes, and steamed vegetables….and mac and cheese since it was already on the stove.

I don't know why my veges look X-rated

Overall – a pretty good eating day.  Nothing too bad for me and all in moderation.  High fives all around.

Addendum #1 – I forgot that I also might have had a bowl of Chex Mix. But, that’s it.

Addendum #2 – Ok – honest mistake – I was working on potty training and we reward Iz for going pee pee in the potty with M&Ms.  I wanted to set an example so I went pee pee too…so I got an M&M…or a handful…what…I wanted to see if they would melt in my mouth and not in my hand.

Today's Public Service Announcement

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Addendum #3 – FINE.  I didn’t skip dessert.  But come on – how do you say no to a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich.  That’s right…you don’t.

Just say YES!