Choosing

Craig and I took both kids to see our pediatrician yesterday for their routine well visits.

Iz is looking great – 3 years old and full of attitude personality.  Although her heart and lungs sound great, we are contemplating on getting an ECHO for her just to make sure her heart is healthy.  Supposedly, congenital heart defects aren’t genetic, but there are too many kids out there who drop to ground during sports with undetected CHDs.  So, with our Evan…Craig and I are erring on the side of caution with our best girl.

Now to our boy…

Evan is growing well. He’s such a rock star.  Seriously.  Weight gain is normally an issue for babies with heart problems.  Evan is 17 lbs 8 oz and 27 inches long….he’s in the 50% and 90%, respectively, on the growth curve.

And he’s doing all this growin’ with a heart that isn’t quite right.

Told you he was a rock star!

Now…for some surprising news.

Our doctor did a thorough exam and found what could be an inguinal hernia – a hernia about midway between his special, erm, part and his abdomen.  Awesome.  So, if it is a hernia, my boy will have to have – yup – you guessed it – another surgery – to correct it.

I probably sat in his room while he was napping in the dark listening to music and crying after his doctor visit.

I also probably just watched him sleep off the pain of the vaccines and maybe I cried uncontrollably and kept asking over and over again…”Why this too, God?”

Ok…so not probably…

It’s “little” – the hernia –  in the grand scheme of things but it still has to be removed …IF that’s what it even is.

Craig was working from home yesterday so he was in his office (aka – our kitchen table) when I walked into the kitchen – tears streaming down my face, nose running, red faced and splotchy – I’m one sexy, beast.

I suddenly blurted out, “I hate this for him.  I don’t get why he just can’t catch a break!”

And then I walked out of the kitchen to go wake up my sleeping son so I could have a cuddle.

I walked back into the kitchen, he looked up from his computer, and simply said,”He did catch a break.  He got us as parents.”

And went right back to work.

I stopped crying and thought about what he said.

I started reading a morning devotional to guide my day.  Since Evan’s birth, I’ve been neglecting my quiet time and reading the Bible.  Part of it was exhaustion and claiming I didn’t have the time. Yet, I always found time to watch some quality programming on T.V. – like “Overboard” on TBS (best.movie.ever.) or running to the gym for an hour at the Club aka Zumba.  The next part is hard for me to admit…but another reason I’ve been neglecting me time, is that I’ve had some anger in my heart amidst all the praising and praying I’ve been doing.  I’ve had to really, really fall to my knees and ask God for forgiveness for the hard heart that’s been occupying my body.  Thank God for his forgiveness…I’m not so good at that part.

One thing I forget is that I DO have a choice in how my everyday looks.  I can choose to look at the negative, dwell on the scary stuff we are approaching, agonize and worry with dread over the things that I’m most fearful of….

Or I can choose to look at my everyday for what it really is – lots of laughter, singing with hearts full of joy – albeit songs that aren’t really “praise and worship” but “Call Me Maybe” out of the mouth of my 3 year old is pretty awesome, seeing Evan grow and change, watching him sleep in our home…in his room…in his crib…., getting another day to love this little, chunka-chunka-burnin’ love wholeheartedly.

Craig is right – Evan was placed in our hands and our hearts – because God knew we’d take the best care of him.  Yes, it’s hard work.  Yes, it’s emotionally draining at times. Yes, I still don’t know what the future holds.

But, he is ours.  Evan is the son we prayed for.  People always saying how lucky he is to have us.

Ha.

Wrong.

Craig and I – it’s us – we’re the lucky ones.

So, here we are.

A possible three months until his open heart surgery, a possible unplanned surgery to correct a hernia, surgeries – so many, so many freakin’ surgeries – to repair his cleft lip and palate (oh how I’ll miss his smile that goes for miles…)….

My Evan is such a fighter and as much at hurts my heart to think of all that is up against him….

I have to choose to see all these things as such incredible blessings.

All these things to give him a chance to have those firsts I talked about before…first day of school, first love, first kiss, first heartbreak (that stupid, harlot…how dare she hurt my son…sorry…getting ahead of myself) and to live a lifetime….

Perhaps today is just one of those days where I’m at the top of the roller coaster.  Perhaps, I’m growing up, too, in this journey.  Perhaps, all of those prayers so many of you are praying for us are finally reaching my heart that has been so hard for so long.

I’m not sure.

But today, I choose to see the good.

 

 

Comments

  1. Beautiful post Czarina. I too, like you, took along hard look at the way I viewed this journey after some soul searchig in the beginning. After watching too many families I know say goodbye to their little heart warriors I quickly realized I needed to look at all the “good” things that have come out of this heartbreak and to focus on that. I have my moments, we all do, but when you reach the stage of “acceptance” you can finally start trying to live again. {{{HUG}}} Praying for you!

  2. It took a while, but one day I realized my Henry makes me a better mom. I don’t get to take anything for granted with him, even with his good health, that could change in a moment. I enjoy it all. If I’d had a ‘normal’ baby with a healthy heart, I really don’t know if I be the same way I am. I thank God everyday for him and the lessons learned.