Chosen

The past couple of days I’ve been having lots and lots to complain about.

Evan teething.

Evan pulling out his feeding tube.

Not getting his feeding tube supplies.

Being tired.

Being overwhelmed.

It all being too much.

I was at a point today in the car when I just started to break down.

And then I heard a song play on the radio that I’ve heard over and over again.

But, today, it spoke to my heart.

The song is called, “Blessings”

Here’s a few verses that I love.

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

 

I love my Evan so much. I love him so much it scares me.  I talk to him everyday.  Am overwhelmed with the love I have for this little boy.  Am passionate to share his story with others.

All the things a mother feels for her child.

I often forget – all too often – that I need to love someone more.

I am consumed with my Evan.  Forgetting that his fight, his struggle, his life – is not meant for me.

It’s meant for Jesus. For my God that has given me the privilege of being his Mama.

I can’t remember the last time I told God how much I loved Him.

I can’t remember the last time I was overwhelmed with the thought of Him and all He has done and is doing in my life.

I can’t remember the last time I shared the Good News with others.

Because, I’m consumed with my son when I should be consumed with the Son.

As a mother and a lunatic, I feel the need to control so much in my life. And you’d think with having Evan, I would have learned by now, that there is so much out of my control

Some reading this may not know God or believe in God and may look at my Evan as just bad luck.

How sad is that?  That my son, to some, is considered “bad.”

I can’t tell you why God is having my family walk this journey.

I can’t tell you I like it most days.

I can’t tell you that my boy’s story will end up how I want it to …and that’s seeing him grow up to be an adult and live a full life.

I can tell you that I’d rather walk this journey in hope that God will heal him.

I can tell you most I find myself loving my life – no matter how hard it feels – instead of relishing in my troubles.

I can tell you that my boy has had a life full of love, full of hope, full of joy…more so than most adults living their lives in darkness.

 

All too often, I forget that this time of struggle is a part of a greater plan for Evan, for me, for Craig, for Iz, for anyone who knows us, for anyone following our story.

Looking at my boy, I sometimes forget the pain.  Crazy, huh?  Of course I remember the intensity of the moment and the ache and longing for clarity and understanding through it all.  But, there have been times I can feel the joy outweighing the pain.

As we prepare our hearts in prayer for my boy’s open heart surgery, I don’t look at the pain we went through the first few months.  I look at the after.  I remember that God saw us through that time.

I remember that the pain we felt and feel are nothing compared to the joy we’ve experienced with our boy.

I will have days where and still do have days, where I look at my life, my Evan’s life, our life as a family, and feel that it’s unfair that we are going through this  – the pain, the uncertainty.

I feel like I can speak for the Heartland or for anyone with a special needs child when I say that we would never choose this life for ourselves but know – without a shadow of a doubt – we were chosen by God for our child.

What an honor.

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Beautiful- and wonderful encouragement! I am so glad I know you as a Sister In Christ and a Heart Sister <3

  2. The first time I heard this song it made me cry. Beautiful. This journey is not easy my friend. Good days. Bad days. But every single one of them is filled with blessings if we look for them. {{{HUG}}}

  3. I love that song. We used it in Mason’s 1yr slideshow right before he had to go to surgery. The lyrics are amazing <3

  4. Hey there,
    Not sure how I came upon your blog but I have been following it for a while now and praying for you and your family. After your reading your entry for today, I wanted to send you this poem that has meant so much to me on this journey.

    The Chosen Mothers
    By Erma Bombeck
    Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

    Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

    Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

    “Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard.”

    Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, “Give her a child with an illness.” The angel is curious. “Why this one God? She’s so happy.”

    “Exactly” smiles God, “Could I give a child with an illness to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

    “But, does she have patience?” asks the angel.

    “I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she will handle it.”

    “I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has it’s own world. She has to make it live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

    “But, Lord, I don’t think she believes in you.”

    “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.” The angel gasps. “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?”

    God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see… ignorance, cruelty, prejudice… and allow her to rise above them.” She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side.”

    “And what about her patron Saint?” asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air.

    God smiles, “A mirror will suffice.”