Crazy

One thing I’ve realized since we were given all the news about Baby is how different Craig and I really are – or at least how we deal with things.

Back story…

Craig and I are high school sweet hearts.  We’ve beat all the odds – since about 50% of marriages end in divorce and more than that end if you’ve known your partner since adolescence and married young.  (I got that statistic out of my @$$).

We literally have grown up together.  We have evolved into mature (relatively speaking) adults.  We went off to college, lived in different states, reconnected, after a year or so, and married when I was 24 years old.

One thing about us – and I’m proud to say – is that we are disgustingly lovey to each other.  My friends often give me the eye roll and groan when I talk about how much I love my man and how good of husband and Dad he is.

We rarely fight.  I think in the 15 years I’ve known him, we’ve had 3 major fights.  Yelling bouts, tears, the whole enchilada.

Now to today…

If you can imagine, our lives have been rocked with all the news of what’s happening with Baby.  Like a friend said to me – even the strongest of foundations are shaken.

I am the kind of person that has to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about things over and over and over and over again until I’m exhausted from the tears and the worrying.

He’s the kind of person that internalizes the situation, pushes it back until the situation is ready to be dealt with, then will have an overflow of emotions – yelling, crying, or wanting to deal with it physically – whether it’s working out, pacing, etc.

***********************************************************************

It’s just another day in our household.  I’m crying.  I’m needing him to talk to me – tell me his deepest, darkest emotions about how he feels about the Baby and what we are about to deal with.  I need him to cry with me.  I need him to have an hour long conversation – complete with sobbing – about how terrible thing situation is.

And for the billionth time, I ask him the question that every man dreads to hear from his wife (regardless of what’s happening in their lives),

“How are you feeling?”

He looks at me, sighs (yes…this is a daily question I ask him), and says, “Well of course I’m sad – I’m not a robot!  I wouldn’t ever choose this for our family.  I don’t want to see my son go through all of this.  But, it’s the hand we’ve been dealt and we have to deal with it.  But, I don’t want to live everyday for the next two months feeling sad all the time.  We’ll have plenty of sad to deal with when he gets here.”

Then he turns around and goes back to his computer looking up Fantasy Football stats.

Ok – now – reading that – it all seems perfectly fine. Quite nice.  Eloquently stated.

But yet…not enough for me.  Where were the tears?  Where was the fist shaking to the sky?  Where was the chest clasping of his shirt where he grasps his the place over his heart and weeps for his son’s broken heart?  Where was the pleading to God as he lays his hands on his pregnant belly and angrily asks, “Why, God?  Why God!”

Ok…the last part is a stretch…and *maybe* the scene above is something I do once a day week.

I had had it.  I couldn’t believe my husband wasn’t expressing himself how I needed him to express himself.

Blood boiling, tears brimming, I yell,

“DO YOU WISH I WAS A MAN?!?”

He turns around…looks at me like this:

Craig : “WHAT are you talking about?”

Me:  “Well…if I was man – we’d think the same and process stuff the same and I wouldn’t be so upset that you aren’t as upset as me all the time.”

***Uncomfortable silence***

Craig: ” You’re crazy.”

And then…it hit.

I.am.crazy.

**********************************************************************

I apologized a few days later – you know – accusing my husband that he doesn’t feel right – since he feels and processes stuff differently…and that he wishes I was a man.

I realized that I can’t tell him how to feel.  I can’t expect him to express his emotions how I do.

He is patient with me and lets me cry and weep and talk about how I’m feeling – without any judgment, just silently sits and lets me vent, holds me when I need to be held, prays for me and our family, loves me unconditionally.

So today – I will probably cry again.  I will probably be sad about something and text him or call him.  He will tell me that it will be alright.  He will be my rock.

And maybe one day – when we are in the midst of things and our baby boy is here – he will need me, I will hold him, I will be the one reassuring him and I will be his rock – for once.

I only hope and pray he doesn’t ask me if he wishes that HE was a woman..because I there’s no way I can deal with ME!

Comments

  1. I totally love this post! It is so hard to understand why our husband’s don’t react the same way we do. You are extremely mature for understanding and realizing that he doesn’t think the same. It took me a long time…after Hope was born…to realize that and accept it. It is still hard at times, but that is what my girlfriends are for…listening and crying with me. Cry away and know that he is there for you…it is amazing and wonderful. Also, know that many marriages and families grow stronger in the midst of medical problems…our family has definitely grown stronger.

    Many prayers for you and your family.

  2. All I have to say is there is plenty of time for worrying in the future. You’ll see that when everything turns out okay that you will have spent so much time worrying that you didn’t enjoy this time as much as you possibly could. Not that you need or want my advice in any way but enjoy your pregnancy, no, it is not perfect but it’s still the most amazing thing ever. Your baby is safe inside you, you are taking care of all of his needs right at this very moment. I wasn’t aware of my daughters defect until after she was born…I never cried so hard or worried so much! She is 13 months old now and I look back at all the time I spent worrying and I realized that I let her first few months pass me by because I was so consumed by fear and doubt. You can never get that time back so enjoy every single second! Also i never took any pictures of her the first few days after surgery when she was hooked up to every machine under the sun. I regret that. When she grows up I’ll want to show her how strong she truly is and that she is a fighter. It will all be so overwhelming so ask a friend or relative to capture the moments for you. So when he is in his terrible two’s you can look back at the pictures and remember what a miracle he is… you’ll squeeze him tight and smother him with kisses and remember how far you all have come. Trust me…everything will be ok!

  3. My husband internalizes too, deals with it when he needs too. He thinks about it, fumes over it, but he keeps that inside. I’m a crier, researcher, come up with every possible scenario and determine a plan sort of person. A talker. Our son had his repair at six months. For six months my husband slept at night and enjoyed every second he had with our baby. I did the same, but I didn’t sleep. I laid awake dreaming up all the possibilities and how we’d deal, how I’d deal. Husband worked with whatever information the doctors told us. I tracked down every obsure complication I could, so I’d be prepared. It was, like yours, a frustrating situation. I didn’t feel like he was informed enough. He thought I was crazy for all the stuff I knew. But in the end when our son developed some complications, I could help him understand what the doctors were telling us, and he could help me focus on the present, on what was happening right now, not on what could happen. Frustrating at times, it seems to work for us. He’s the yin to my (crazy-random) yang.
    Like the previous poster said, try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. My hope is that in a few weeks, the shock and confusion will wear off and things will settle into a nice (though probably filled with doctor’s visits) routine and you’ll be able to relax a little. I focused 100% on my baby after he was born (who needs to lose baby weight? oh, me? well, after his surgery…) but I do wish I could have relaxed a little more. He was born strong and healthy and sailed through surgery. He never gave us any reason to worry and I regret all the time and energy that went into that.
    Keeping you in my thoughts. Hang in there!

  4. I have to say I love your post. Mostly because I think I lived every word of it as well. Once we got the news about my little girls heart it was as though the pregnancy and everything that goes along with it just stopped. The nursery stood half painted, nothing was purchased and I didn’t want any part of it- but one day- and I don’t know what the turning point was- I realized I can do this, I have to do this. The real real basis of courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. After months of doom and gloom dr appointments we found a team that we loved- actually that was when things changed- when we had a plan we were comfortable with. And today 18 days away from her stage 2- I stare at her and her healthy heart twin brother and love them both to pieces- we focus so much on saying hlhs- well my daughter is so much more- she is my baby, she hates peek-a-boo and loves to ride a pony on my knee. Everyday I love her more- I never thought I would be in this position but I am- I don’t know what our futures hold- I just know that my child is amazing, they all are (4 altogether)- to quote Walt Disney, we keep moving forward. I wish you the best of everything, there are always going to be days you cry- but I promise, the tears also come with many smiles and warm hugs.

  5. This reminded me of one of my very first posts: http://www.heartbabyhome.com/2010/08/marriage-tips-child-hospital/
    Given your personality, you should prolly join a few CHD groups – on facebook or Babycenter or a local one. The moms love to talk about every little bit….and it feels nice to talk to other moms who totally understand what you’re feeling.
    one more thing that you might be feeling – I had this plan to not get too close to my heart baby….to hold back and not bond with her right away just incase……I tried every so hard!! but it was all a total waste of time…we were already deeply bonded long before she was born…and I just didn’t realize it until I saw her that first time. Dad had that same experience.
    One thing you might not expect – our heart baby has brought more joy to our family than I ever could’ve imagined. I’m sorry that you’re about to start down this difficult path…..but I’m also happy for you that you get to find that unexpected joy–it will amaze you.
    I have 2 hearts to draw before yours – I’ll let you know when it’s done.
    *heart hugs*
    -N