Fearless

I started doing daily devotional called “Fearless.”

Funny.

I started doing it the day before we were admitted to the hospital.

Ha.

Ironic.

I started a study to delve into the Bible in search of answers to lead a life “fearlessly” just hours before we took this next step in this journey.

Perhaps….the scariest, most fearful time as a parent.

I would flippantly talk about Evan’s open heart surgery as a time that would be tough.  I’d have conversations about it rationally and openly.  I’d do it all with a smile on my face, with such hope, with such faith…

It’s easy to talk about something so difficult when that something is so far, far away.

Now…we’ve run headfirst into the thing I’ve been fearing the most.

The moment is right in front of us.

My Goliath is standing over my head.  Breathing down my neck…taunting me to act in haste.

I am shaking.  I am fearful.

This giant of an open heart surgery has me shaking in my flip flops.

There is so much I have to fear…every complication.

Arrythmias.

Infection.

Bleeding.

Clotting.

Stroke.

The list goes on and on and on.

There is a percentage tacked on to each of these complications.

But, like I tell my family…and what Craig and I tell each other…

Without a heart surgery….there is 100% chance we will lose Evan.

So, we have to gather our weapons – hope, faith, prayer, our unconditional love for our boy  and get ready to face our Goliath head on.

What’s so hard as a parent in this moment, is that we want so desperately to have some control when we fight this battle.

And in this moment, we have none.

Zero.

Zilch.

And that’s a scary, scary thing.

The biggest Goliath of all….not the heart surgery itself, or the recovery…but the unknown.

I did what most people do when facing something so great, so ominous.

You look for answers everywhere.  You look for solutions to combat the Giant.

You turn to friends for support.  You turn to those in similar situations for insight.

In Evan’s case, we consulted with the best cardiothoracic minds in the nation – arguably – the best in the world.

We got everyone’s input.  Have heard everyone’s opinions.

Everyone  making this Giant of a heart surgery…just that much more fearsome.

Every morning since we’ve been in the hospital, my Evan and I have quiet time together.

He loves to hear stories read to him.  So, I read the Bible verses and devotionals in my “Fearless” study.

Today, as I looked at my boy,with the incredibly complex, head scratching, things that make you go hmmm kind of heart, and I read the verse that I’m supposed to meditate on…something just clicked in my head.

And like every morning, I lay my hands on his chest, over his incredibly special heart, and I pray over him…often anointing this innocent piece of perfection with my tears.

But today, the verse spoke to my heart.

“See how that I myself am he! There is no god besides me.  I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.” Deuteronomy 32:39

I suddenly see the Goliath before me and realize..no matter where I turn, no matter what incredible mind I consult with, no matter what…there truly is only One that heal my boy.

I’ve been asking for so many to give me the promise that, “Yes….we can heal your son.”

I’ve asked the best minds to give me a definitive, “No problem.  We can do it.”

But, everyone won’t give me the definite.

Because no one can promise me healing but God himself.

I’m so tired of reaching for hope everywhere else.  I’ve cried my share of tears as I speak to doctors, nurses, surgeons – in person or on the phone – begging for someone to give me a straight forward answer.

And today, I realize my answer was right in front me.  I’ve had the answer roll off my tongue during my quiet time with my boy.

“…..I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.”

God already told me…He WILL heal.  And no one can take that from Him.

So, as we face this Goliath together..and yes…I say “we” friends…because I know many of you have come to love my boy and are invested in his future….we have to arm ourselves with ammunition to battle the fear.

We have to pray AGAINST all those complications – bleeding, clotting, stroke, infection, infection, infection, arrythmias.

We have to pray FOR all those promises – a fighting spirit in my son, for healing… for life.

This moment, as I wipe my tears again from my eyes, pick myself up and look and see the joy in my son’s eyes, and pray to see my boy’s sweet face and sweet smile radiate back at me after surgery and recovery are behind us…I ask you to help me, in the name of the Holy Spirit..get through these next few days, his surgery, his recovery…with the only hope we have.

I ask you to hold us in prayer.  Hold us in hope.  Hold us up in love.

To do all these things as we fight our Goliath…..fearless.

Comments

  1. Lulu and Sonny's mom says:

    You ate an amazon woman. Cry as much as you need to, but drink some fluids to
    Keep yourself well. I found that I cried it all out before the surgery, then when things got rough I was ready to be strong for him. You know I struggled with the same desire for definite answers, and it wasn’t until I let go and let God do His thing. I’m so glad you aren’t as stubborn as I was about it.

  2. I felt and acted the same way. It’s nothing, a little surgery, happens every day, blah, blah, blah. Then it was scheduled and I cried for a week, and for the next three I was convinced that he wouldn’t make it, despite the fact that it was really ‘just a simple VSD repair,’ since his other tet components were so minor and/or wouldn’t require any surgical intervention. I worried every.single.complication I could find anything about. But I’d been reading a lot of HLHS blogs, and one of another tet babe who didn’t make it. I was a mess. Then I found a few blogs where the babes survived and thrived after their repairs. Holy wow! It happens?!?!!! I took those as proof it was possible and decided I better get myself strong for my boy. If he could feel energies, I didn’t want him to feel my negativity. I didn’t want, if it came down to it and he needed to fight, for him to feel like giving up because mom didn’t think he could do it. Never looked back after that. Was and probably still am a little delusional about his health before and how ‘normal’ he seems now, but just stick with that ‘Evan can do it,’ attitude. He can. They do. These babes are so strong, and so amazing. And ultimately, sadly, happily (?) it’s all out of our control. Hard for control freaky mommas, but keep your faith in your higher power and keep up the positive. You all will get through this, stronger on the other side. I will be keeping you all and many of your worries in my thoughts next week. Stay strong.