Fifty Shades of Gray

This is not a post on BDSM.

Although, yes, I must admit I have read the book that everyone is talking about.

And yes, I wanted to shower, pray and invest in leather after reading it.

So if you’re looking at getting a cheap thrill today by reading this blog, sadly, this probably won’t do it.

Watching Iz grow up and battle between being independent and still being – well – 3 years old – is tough.

To her, everything is black and white.

There is a cause and effect.

Nothing is gray.  There is no middle ground.

But now that she is growing up, suddenly her world is rocked – and we are rocking it.

Because when you are a grown up, there suddenly is gray everywhere you look.

Before I go further, I need to confess something.

I don’t know a lot about politics.  Really…nothing at all.  I actually had to Google search – Left Wing and Right Wing – because I didn’t know which one was which.

So, let’s talk gray – political gray.

Today, a monumental decision was upheld in the Supreme Court.  Obama-care or the Affordable Care Act was upheld today.

Listen, I don’t need the legal mumbo jumbo of it all.

I know that many oppose it – saying it is unconstitutional for the government to mandate that everyone have health care.

I know many support it – saying it is everyone’s right to have healthcare no matter what.

Here’s my gray.

I’m a conservative by nature.  I tend to err on the side of little government involvement in a lot of things.  I am a legal, U.S. immigrant that watched her parents work very, very hard to have the thriving, medical practice and never asked for help from the government.

So, I know that hard work can result in success.

When Obama-care was first talked about, every inch of my being screamed, “ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!”

Because, I ran my mom’s medical practice that was over 60% Medicaid and I saw how terribly abused the system was.

I watched generation after generation of Medicaid families work the system and get benefits – lying on paperwork, asking us to lie for them about their children’s medical condition, just so they could keep their benefits and not have to work.

I watched families – hard working parents – struggle to keep their insurance from their jobs and be denied any kind of help from the government because they were “wealthy.”

What a joke.

I don’t think anyone should profit off of someone’s illness…thus the problem with commercial insurance companies.

I, also, think that – while healthcare is absolutely a necessity for all – there needs to be a better way to show true need.  And yes…there are families out there that don’t care about having insurance for their children.  I’ve seen it all.


Fast forward to today.

I held my breath as I waited for the Supreme Court to give us the ruling.

I finally was able to breath when I saw that it was upheld.

It hurt my stomach to think I was agreeing with something this administration put forth.

Because, it’s not in my nature to swing to the left.

But, here’s the short story.

Evan needs this.

We need this as a family.

Craig works very hard to provide for us.  It’s been a tough year in real estate and it directly affects our bank account every month.  We are money hoarders.  I scrimp and save at every turn.  We are not wasteful.  We are frugal to a fault.

So, to see him work so hard at a job that isn’t paying in dividends like it should – but is giving us a pretty good health care plan – I am forever grateful to him for sucking up his pride and just doing his job.

I don’t know how to respond anymore when people say they oppose it.

I don’t know how to respond anymore when people say they support it.

Because, there is so much wrong and so much right about the Affordable Care Act.

And the right – the gray – of it is – it’s going to save Evan’s life.

We don’t have the luxury of getting any kind of government aid for him.  Trust me, I’ve tried.  I have no shame in saying that we have applied for Medicaid for him.  And I have no shame in saying we will continue to do so until we receive it.

Because I worked before I became a stay at home mom. Because, my husband works very hard.  Because we pay our taxes in full every year.

So – we are contributing to the pot that should be for all.

Yet….we don’t get to see a fraction of what we’ve put in ….when we need it the most.

It’s a terrible, broken system.

But, this act ensures that Evan will not be denied coverage.  It ensures that no matter how much we spend on his care – from surgeries, to recovery, to hospital stays, to medications – that because we have our insurance – our insurance can’t put a ceiling on how much we spend.

And trust me…you think a $1 million lifetime max is a lot….it’s not.

We exceeded that “lifetime” max in 3 months of Evan’s life.

It’s no joke getting a medical bill in the mail that is half a million dollars.

But, Evan is worth that times a bagillion.

I get it though.  I see both sides.

Don’t forget, I have a mother who’s medical practice – her hard work, sweat and tears for over 20 years – will be greatly affected by this.

Don’t forget, I have dear friends who are in their residency programs, who have worked hard, sacrificed a lot, are thousands of dollars in school debt – that will be greatly affected by this.


So much gray.

I can’t look towards the next year…much less…the next few months.  So, yes, I don’t know the ramifications of this ruling in the far future.

Because our future as a family is measured in days and weeks.  I don’t look towards the next year.  I can’t.

I wish my Fifty Shades of Gray was as simple as a dirty, erotic, trashy novel about a weak girl with no backbone succumbing to a messed up hottie.

But, it’s not.

My Fifty Shades is lost in the emotions of relief for my son, relief for our family, fear for my parent’s, fear for my doctor friends….





  1. VERY WELL SAID! Thank you for posting this. As a fellow Heart Mom…yes GRAY… Sending prayers for your Evan!

  2. very well said! and so true! i’m so glad you no longer have a cap for your little boy, and so glad the same is true for many families dealing with other medical issues from cancer, to bone issues, to anything that is going to cost so very much to save their families. so much gray, but i’m glad it’s helping you. 🙂