Happy 1 month!

Today I held you for as long as you let me – which was pretty much all day.

I let the dishes pile up.

I let the laundry wrinkle.

I let the beds stay unmade.

I realized when I woke up that you’ll be a month old tomorrow.

Where did time go?

The majority of your first month was spent in the hospital.  We watched you thrive, we watched you suffer, we watched you struggle, we watched you fight.

As a month in my life passes, no matter where we spent it, I’m incredibly blessed you have been in it.

Too many of your heart buddies have earned their wings recently.  Too many messages about babies meeting God far too soon.

Too many mamas hearts broken.  To many Daddies feeling helpless.

To talk about loss now, is not like it was when I was carrying you.

Now – I know you.

You’re my buddy.  You’re my Bird.  I know you’re cry.  I know how you feel in my arms.  I know every look.  I look into your eyes everyday.  I smooth back your hair while you sleep.

You’re Daddy’s boy.  You’re Isabelle’s brudder. You are the final puzzle piece to our family – you make us whole.

As a month passes, I count my blessings you’re here with us.

As a month passes, I know we are one step closer to your first surgery. A risky surgery that we have no choice but to have done on your little heart.  It may be one of many.  It’s also just one too many.

When Daddy and I made the decision to let you fight, I knew that everyday would be hard.

I didn’t realize it would be this hard.

I didn’t know I could love this deep.  I didn’t know fear this great.  I didn’t understand what really caring for a child meant.

So far – you’ve surpassed my every expectation of mine.  Sure – you feed from a tube.  Sure I have to take vitals every 4 hours.  Sure – I’m up every 2 hours with you.  But, you’re better than I could have ever imagined.

I love you, Bird.  I love you more and more everyday.  I love that you love being held.  I love that you love to eat. I love that you love when we sing songs.  I love that you love being rocked.

I love that you hate getting your diaper changed.  I love that hate bath time.  I love that you hate tummy time and mat time.

I love that your favorite place is in my arms.

Happy 1 Month, Evan.  Keep fighting son.



  1. I should really know better than to read your posts with any stitch of makeup on my face. I love you Czarina. Cant wait to meet your boy.

  2. Wow czarina. I will def keep your family in my prayer. I have a 3 week old boy and I can’t even put myself in ur shoes. Ur a very strong n phenominal woman. Stay strong. God us in control.