Hats.

The hardest part about this journey is having to be so many things all at once for Evan.  All the hats that sit atop my head.

Mother.

Advocate.

Cheerleader.

Therapist.

Nurse.

Friend.

I’m stuck in a rut where I need out quickly.

With the fall season arriving in Texas, the cooler weather has brought our first cold of the season.  Evan, thank God, was able to recover within a few days.

But, as soon as his fever hit….his oxygen dropped…I lost it.

I have been his Mama – just his Mama – all summer long. For 5 glorious months…I played with him, got my sillies out with him, let him be…while I was just his Mom.

No agonizing for illness. Very little worry about places and people.  Just letting him be.

My mother hat is now sitting underneath the nurse hat, the advocate hat, the therapist hat, and the friend hat.

Nurse…because I have to monitor him closely.  He’s a little bluer from lower oxygen.  A little huffier and puffier.

Advocate…because I have to stay ahead of the game.  I have to ask the questions for his next surgery.  I have to make sure we are at the best place for his care. I have to make sure the best and brightest minds in the country have my son’s heart on their radar in case we decide to move for his care.  I have to keep up with sicknesses around us and in Isabelle’s school…have to ask the tough questions…”Are you vaccinated?”  “Have you been sick lately?”  I have to fight with insurance companies to approve very expensive injections to protect him from deadly viruses this cold and flu season.

Therapist…because while he’s up to speed in his fine and gross motor skills…we are delayed in speech. And I have to look ahead.  I know a surgery is looming. Perhaps in the next 6 months or so.  I want to make sure Evan is ahead of the curve in all aspects. So, if we experience a set back….our uphill climb won’t be so steep.

Friend…my social butterfly of a boy…the one who smiles at strangers and babbles with other littles his size is now stuck with me most days since I’m keeping him isolated for the most part.  We are taking in the winter season slowly…but the first gust of the season brought us illness.  So…as I creep carefully into the cold, germ infested months…I will slowly assimilate to normalcy.

I have people in my life that say to just relax and let him be.  To not be all those things…just his mom.

But, isn’t my charge and duty as his mom to protect him…keep him safe….provide what is needed for him the best of my ability?

My Mom hat is firmly and permanently welded to my head.  I’m always that first.

And the juggling act of the hats I have to wear is exhausting.

Physically.

Emotionally.

Spiritually exhausting.

The weight of the world from all I am and have to be weighs heavily on my shoulders.  The weight is suffocating at time.  Too much to bear at times.  Too much.

I often collapse in a puddle of tears…often while I have a moment of solitude.  Just me and the hats…all in one cramped room.

I know I’m forgetting to put on the hat that matters most, though.

The hat of daughter.  Daughter of a loving God. Daughter of a merciful God.  Daughter of Protector.  Daughter of the Ultimate Healer.

That hat, the one that should be well worn, perfectly snug atop my head.  Should be the one I never take off….the one that feels light…the one that keeps me warm…the one that keeps me dry amidst the storm.  It can be the hats all combined into one.  It can be the hat that I put on to replace the others.  Because, if I really wear my life right…if I wear it as I’m called to do…that’s the only hat I need.

A child of God who loves me so. Who loves me so much that He will ease the burden of the hats I begrudgingly yet eagerly put on.  If I remember that if I clothe myself in Christ…the mother…the advocate…the nurse…the therapist…the friend…all those things won’t feel as heavy.

Because it’s not just a hat that I’ll be clothed in…but an armor of protection and safe arms of Jesus wrapped around me.

Sigh.

All these things I know.  All these things on my heart that God is begging me to hand over to Him.  All these things I am holding onto with all my might.

It’s just that hat…the hat of Mama…the one I take ever so seriously…the hat that makes me me.  It’s the one God wants to weave and intertwine with the hat He keeps asking me to put on….the one of His child.

In my heart I know I can be both…must be both…

So, a different prayer request today…

Pray that I can truly be the daughter of God and give all my worries, fears, anxiety over to Him…and don the hat I need to wear first.

Because once I get that on straight…everything else will fall into place.