How do you pray?

I’ve been asking for prayers so much lately for my boy.

The past few days we have been in the hottest part of the fire pit.  God is pounding on our faith with great force of a blacksmith.

We know we are being refined…it has to be it.

This is the moment where I either give it God or turn from Him.

I want so badly to be angry.  I do.  The Heartland has lost too many babies recently.  My knees are calloused from my praying position.  My hands folded together almost most of the day in prayer.

And yet…we have still lost these innocent babies.

Going into Evan’s open heart surgery with the images of his warrior buddies who are now angels  on the forefront of my mind has made me physically ill.

Sick with sadness for those parents.

Sick with unimaginable fear for my own little one.

It brings me to the question..how do I pray wholeheartedly in faith…with no doubting…for something these parents prayed for for themselves…but God’s answer was not the same as their prayers?

The gut wrenching answer…you don’t.

I will pray and pray and pray…and beg you to pray and pray and pray…for Evan to come out of his surgery better than he went in.  I will pray for the surgeons, the care team. I will pray for an uneventful recovery free from infection.  I will pray that all of his vital organs and his brain stay safe during the surgery and recovery.

All of these things I pray for….all of these things I so desperately want and need prayers for…all these things God hears from all of our mouths and hearts…all these things to show His glory…..the coming together of hundreds in prayer for my son…all of this to glorify His name and His name alone….

The outcome….His answer…must be for His glory…and not mine.

Do you realize how hard this is for me to write?  For me to even begin to utter?

I do not want Evan to die.  No way.  No way. No way. No way.

But is the possibility there?

Yes.

We have run out of options for my boy.  He’s already on oxygen.  He’s a chunk and half.  His heart isn’t right.

He needs a surgery.  An open heart surgery that is complicated, complex, difficult.

Without it…he won’t make it.

But with it…he could will have a full life.  I know it.

Life isn’t fair – especially in the Heartland.

Do not tell a grieving mother that her son’s/daughter’s fight has brought glory to God and expect her to raise her hands to the Heaven’s and say, “Woo hoo!”

Do not tell me to “just” give Evan to God and let Him be in control?

I “give” Evan to God everyday…every moment…and then I take him right back into my heart and arms where I want – need – him to be.

It’s an unbelievable predicament I find myself in.

Wanting God’s will to be done in our lives…but asking God that His will be the same as my prayers.

But, I do…I have to pray these prayers.

I have to hold onto the faith and hope that every word uttered, every heart crying out, and pleading to God to spare my son…to return him to me better than I when I hand him over to the surgeon…

I have to cry out to the Holy Spirit to intercede for me when I have nothing left in me.

I have to believe that my son’s fight and this ache….will be for the better and the good of this world.

I have to do these things because I believe – for better or worse – that Evan’s page in the history of this world is not yet done being written. That this moment – as I look at my boy in his hospital bed – that this moment will bring Glory to God and peace to my heart.

I have to do these things because as helpless as I feel right now – unable to fix my boy – I know that someone out there can.

My surgeon is only the avenue for healing.

My boy is only part of the puzzle with his fighting spirit.

My God is the only one that can truly heal.

So, I pray.  I pray for God’s will to be the same as my prayers.  I pray for peace for those who have lost their children this week.  I push out the fear and replace it with hope.  I pray because it’s all I have.  It’s all I can do.

How do I pray?

I just do.

Because it’s all I have left.

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Ebony N Smith says:

    Czarina, my heart aches so much for you. I just want to encourage you to continue to be honest with God. He has prepared you for everything you are going through right now. Just hold on, even if it is by a thread. It hurts, it sucks, it’s frustrating but you are exactly where you are supposes to be… Right there in His hands. You are the perfect mom for Evan and know you have tons of friends and family rooting for you. Love you!

  2. Kacey Pierson says:

    I just saw one of my friends liked this link on facebook which brought me here. I met you last week during the welcome at our church!!!! I wasstanding in front of you and asked if you had a baby boy or a baby girl in the stroller then told you I had a 2 year old boy as well. My name is Kacey and I just read about your beautiful miracle boy and got chills at hoe God really does place people in your path! I will be praying hard foe your sweet Evan! I have a testimony that I share about my daughter (Romans twin sister) Kaiya Faith who is now in Heaven of you like you can read her story at http://www.hisplannotmine.blogspot.com just click on or picture towards the top left and it takes you to her story. One thing I know is that Gods plan is so perfect and we must surrender all to Him and He will give us that perfect peace. I know He works foe the good in All things. I hope to see you again at our church!! Rush Creek Mira Lagos!! Until them many prayers ascended for Evan!!!(((hugs))) keep sharing your story!!!

  3. Praying for you, your family and your beautiful son. May God surround you all and wrap you in His love. Our family went through a trial of fire with our son at birth … given a 2% chance to survive .. he pulled through. And recently with our granddaughter, Rowan, that now resides in Heaven. So much pain and healing only attributed to the Lord.

  4. I have been reading your blog recently. You don’t know me. I live in Michigan and came across your blog on my cousins fb page as she is a mom to a sweet, little heart boy too. I can’t tell you how impressed I am with the God given ability you have to connect with people through your written words. You have spoken to my heart on a number of occasions. I don’t have a heart baby. I have 2 children who seem to need me less and less these days. They are 14 soon to be 15, and 16 soon to be 17. I love them deeply and couldn’t be more proud of them. They are the best things I have ever done! I often wish I could blink, or wiggle my nose and go back to when they would stoke my hair, pat my back, give me eskimo kisses, or just want to snuggle. Now, they need me for rides to friends houses, gas money, yummy, not so healthy food in the cupboards, and knowing I am there from afar. Don’t get me wrong, I know this is the “normal” way things should go. I know my job as a parent. I am trying my best to instill in them everything they need before they leave me. Some days I can say this and even do it without having the need to squeeze them never wanting to let go. (and I do have those days where I’m ready to give them the boot) Most of the time I am consumed by FEAR! My thoughts are, but not limited to “what will happen if they don’t make friends, she isn’t good with directions, will she get lost, and if so how will she find her way? Will he make good choices? Does she know that she is beautifully made? Will he find a good mate?” Now, I get that these are questions all parents ask, but then it turns to “What if they don’t come home tonight, how will I continue without them?” Fear paralyzes me. I feel suffocated…..
    You sharing your story, has given me hope! God has not promised me a lifetime with my children. I am not even promised tomorrow. You have helped me let go a little. My anxiety has loosened it’s grip on me, just a little. 🙂 Thank you for asking the hard questions. Thank you for being so brutely honest. Thank you for having HOPE.
    I have added your family to my prayer journal. I will continue to ask God to work a miracle in Evan’s life. He is able!

  5. Emma's Nana Jana says:

    Czarina, I hear your words today and feel the agony beneath them. I have similar prayers for our sweet Emma: first I prayed for her to be a healthy baby; later I just prayed for her to live if it was God’s will; then I prayed for her to get out of the hospital; now, just as you pray for your baby’s life, so I pray for hers.

    I am often in agony that along with her suffering and infinite pain and tests, my daughter (Emma’s auntie) has cancer and my husband is disabled. I don’t often ask why since my daughter, Scott’s sister, reminded me that God DOES NOT cause the suffering, but rather He is here with us to help us through it…she reminded me, amidst her (not really successful) cancer treatments, that God doesn’t cause suffering because suffering is a random consequence of being human and that God does not pick people out and say, “Let’s see how they handle this.” Instead, He says, “I’ll be with them through this and help them grow stronger and even better through this, as awful as it is.”

    In time, I realized she is right. We are not JOB in the Old Testament. The Word says that God “doesn’t wish any to suffer, (but all to come to eternity one day).” It says, “I am with you always, even to the end of the earth.” He tells us that “My ways are not your ways” and that we cannot understand that time is non-existent in God’s realm because “A day is as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day” to God.

    And despite all of that, things that our finite minds cannot grasp or comprehend…we are encouraged to “pray without ceasing” because nothing, “nothing can separate us from the love of God.”

    In the midst of your current agony, maybe these words offer no comfort. Just please remember, God has sent you many friends who pray right along with you, constantly, so even in the darkest of nights, your prayers are accompanied by others on your behalf.

    Just make it through five minutes at a time; one day is all God thought we could handle: no more than 24 hours at a time…and since He never sleeps and always is the Light, He is right here with us no matter what!

    There is no answer as to why so many of our Heartland babies have been taken, nor why so many little Heart Warriors still do battle against CHD. But there is a God who loves us in spite of all the evil and difficulties we must encounter…and there are still hundreds of prayers shared behind these anonymous computer screens.

    And always, ALWAYS there is “faith, hope, and love.” BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE is the gift you share in abundance with your little one and with other heart families…THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE.

    Sending some of Nana Jana’s love your way, wrapped up in prayers and a great big hug!