"I’m going to drug you…"

Iz was a little over a week old. Craig had gone back to work and it was just me and her. I had family and friends coming by to see the both of us so I wasn’t without company. But, I felt so alone, so upset, and so absolutely awful for the feelings I had. If someone asks me, I’m pretty honest about the fact that I had a bad case of Baby Blues after Isabelle was born. I would have fits of uncontrollable crying and major feelings of inadequacy.

I remember sitting with Izzy at night while she was up again for a feeding and getting angry at her. Anger – at a baby that was less than 2 weeks old. How awful?!? Anger mainly because this little creature made me feel absolutely inadquate at a job that I was supposed to have been created for.

Motherhood. I was Mommy. I was supposed to know her cries, her needs, know how to make her happy and stop the tears. I was supposed to be her hero and save the day!

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop the tears, couldn’t ignore the frustration and anger that bubbled inside me as this little creature cried and cried and cried. I hadn’t dropped a deuce (sorry…) in over a week, I had to cut out tons of stuff from my diet since I was breastfeeding, everytime I would look to Craig for a moment of respite – her crying would start.

There was even a moment where I felt regret for having her. Now that sounds awful…but the regret I felt was more so the fact that I think God had made a mistake giving me this responsibility. I was pretty convinced that God didn’t wire me to be a mom. Regret that I had brought in this innocent child and I couldn’t care for her. Regret that no matter how much I said I loved her, there were moments after another sleepless night that I wondered if I could really – like really – be her mom.

I’d have nights and days of feeling like this…All this work an no reward..that’s how it felt…ONE and DONE – no more kids for Craig and me…it just wasn’t worth it…

Then around 6 weeks…

She smiled. She smiled when she heard my voice and it wasn’t gas! She smiled when Craig would come home. We started to get a routine. We had become a team – I knew her next move and I’d take care of her needs. I started to know her – not just the sweet contures of her face – but know her cries, knew what would get a smile out of her, knew when she was sleepy, hungry…

Fast forward to today. She laughed. A true belly laugh. A giggle that brought tears to my eyes and I know made the heavens rejoice – it was that pure – that fantastic.

We put up her Pack n’ Play that was set up in our living room. We would put her in there during the day for naps. The bassinette where my sweet baby spent her first 4 weeks are about to find a new home in the attic. A storage bin is filling up much too quickly with clothes she’s outgrown.

Now – it seems like she’s a little bit of work and SO much reward. I feel sad for Craig who only gets a couple of hours with his baby girl. He gets home and only gets a few moments of greatness while I get all day to sing songs, giggle, and love on our Izzy.

He admitted to me that he was pretty sad that we were putting up the Pack N’ Play and the bassinette. He confided that he couldn’t believe how fast time has gone since she was born and how it felt like yesterday that we brought her home. He even admitted that before we know it – we’ll be dropping her off for her first day of Kindergarten and how sad he’ll be.

I honestly didn’t think he felt that way. He’s pretty even keel and pretty sensible but his daughter has changed him in ways I didnt’ know were possible. Of course I started crying (and didn’t stop for the most the night) – and I told him that I was going to be a mess on her first day of school…

That’s when he grabbed my hand, squeezed it and said “I know…I’m prepared for it – and I’m going to drug you. Give you Valium to calm you down.”

Aw..thanks honey…that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.