Let go.

Iz is at the stage where she has to do everything, “By myself!”

And if you try to step in to help, she has the melt downs to end all melt downs and fights and cries.  It’s like I ruined her world.

Well…I’m Mommy …that’s what we do… Mommy = Fun Ruiner.

She’s 2 1/2 so her gross and fine motor skills are still developing.  But, in her mind, she totally can do whatever she thinks she puts her mind to. And in a way, I’m proud of her for wanting to do these things.  But, sometimes, if she’d just let me help, let me do it the way I know would work, her life would be so much easier!

For instance, putting on her shirts are a challenge for her.  She can put on her pants ok – even though they may end up backwards.  But, she hasn’t quite mastered the task of putting her arms in the right holes.  And when I’m banished from her room while she gets dressed “By MYSELF!” I sit patiently in the hall and watch her struggle.

Yes, I laugh at my child as she suddenly creates a baby straight jacket (hmmmm…now that would be a #1 seller on Amazon.com..sorry…I digress) and gets stuck.  I ask her if I can help and she yells, “NO! I do it by myself!”

And I sit and I wait.  The finally, after tears and frustration, I finally hear, “I need help!” In her most desperate, little voice.

That’s kind of where I feel like I am with God.

I love to control things…just ask my husband…wah, wah wah!

Seriously, I am such a planner.  I plan meals for the week, itineraries for the day, Iz is uber scheduled to the point of obnoxious.

So when Craig and I decided to have another baby, we planned that we wanted Iz and Baby #2 around 3 years apart.

Perfect!  Craig and I did it (literally…).

Then, our world was rocked and we found out Evan was going to have a congenital heart defect and a cleft lip/palate.

Whoa.

I wasn’t ready for that.

Then I did what most super Type A people do.

I planned.  I researched.  I’ve made schedules for family members who would watch Iz.  Craig and I have even tried to control how much time he needs off by estimating the time Evan may be in the I.C.U.

And then…yesterday.

I started having contractions the night before.  I kept Craig and I up by my tossing and turning.  I could not get comfortable.  Contractions kept coming and I couldn’t shift positions to make them go away.

I finally found sleep.  And the next thing I hear is Iz yelling from her room that she wanted to watch Kai Lan read a book.  I got up as normal and almost fell.  My abdomen was so tight and I could feel it wrapping around to my back.  Holy crap – that hurt.

Then, I felt like I had a leak and my water broke and I may have a high leak.

Oh crap.

I was only 35 weeks.  Could Evan be coming NOW?!? No way..it’s too early.

His room’s not done.  Our cars aren’t cleaned out.  I haven’t shaved – erm – anything – in a few weeks.

I couldn’t shake the contractions.  I tried to pretend I was just doing a really awesome ab workout.  Then I looked down and realized…I ain’t working out nuthin’!

So, I called my doctor and told her I was heading to Labor and Delivery to get checked.

I hadn’t planned for this.

Things went by fast. I called Craig.  I called my parents.

10 minutes later – my Dad was at my door step.  My car was loaded with my bag, a giant bag full of sheets and pillows for our extended stay at the ICU, Evan’s bag with special items for his extended hospital stay, and Iz’s bag for her “vacation” with grandparents.

We drove to my parent’s house first to drop off Iz.

She ran into my mom’s arms and parked herself in front of the TV that was already set to Nick Jr.

Suddenly, I lost it.

I waddled to the bathroom and broke down. I could hear Iz’s voice sing to the songs on the T.V.  Her laughter.  Her little voice and realized..I’d be apart from her for a while.

I realized I may be in labor and Evan may be in for more struggles than what he already had to deal with.  I realized I wasn’t really ready at all – to give birth and have my baby taken out of my arms to get poked and prodded, to watch my husband leave my side – instead of staying by me and holding me as we celebrated our son – so he could be with our son who would be whisked away to a different hospital to get care at the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit (CICU), to hold my breath until I hear Evan take his first one, to see our son with a facial deformity, to see my husband weep for his baby’s struggle…

I hadn’t planned on it.

On any of it.  I thought after weeks and weeks of knowing about Evan’s condition that I would be ready.  But, yet again, I was mistaken.

God had shown me once more…once again…I did not have control.

I tried to do all of this “by myself.”

Sure..I’ve prayed.  I’ve been diligent about praying.  But, I really haven’t given all of this to God.  Like REALLY asked Him to take control.

I’ve prayed for peace, for healing, for strength….so that I could get through it.

I haven’t really let God take it from me.  I tried and try to control it all – still.

And I was reminded yesterday, that none of this, is in my control.

After a full day of monitoring at the hospital and contractions every 2-3 minutes…a couple of exams…I was finally released late in the afternoon.

I was told to rest, drink lots of water, eat well (supposedly I was malnourished…tell that to my scale that clearly shows I’ve gained 40 lbs…), and stay stress free as possible (ha!).

Jesus lived a life and experienced pain and suffering – so we didn’t have to.  God wants to step in, take over our struggles, He doesn’t want us to give some things to Him, He wants us to give ALL things to Him.

So, today, I not only pray for healing, for strength, for courage, for peace…but I pray a prayer I desperately need to pray, to…

Let Go and Let God.

 

Comments

  1. Glad you’re doing ok – be sure to rest! And I am praying for you!