My heart dropped to my stomach

Each time she moved the wand – I would try to decipher what I was seeing.
I looked at Craig in amazement.

We were looking at – the face, a spine, an arm, a leg, sweet little feet, a little stomach, parts of the brain…

The ultrasound tech started talking. “That’s the baby’s stomach. At this point the baby is starting to swallow the fluid around it.”

Sweet face! Ok – a little creepy…but cute

Wow…the baby is starting to swallow. Like an actual person.

She started talking again. “I’m trying to get a good picture of the heart but the baby won’t stop wiggling. Here are the feet – sitting right on top of your bladder.”

I laughed. A wiggly baby. And the explanation of why I had to use the bathroom every 30 minutes.

“Do you want to know the sex of the baby.”

“YES.” Craig said immediately.

She moved the wand around and started to speak-

I cut her off. “I’ve read a couple of sonograms before….oh my God…it’s a boy!!!”

She freeze framed a pic. “You need to practice a little more. Because it’s a GIRL!”

**My heart dropped to my stomach. Tears flowed from my eyes.**
I looked at Craig and he’s smiling like he knew from the beginning since this Little One was made that he was going to have a new love in his life. His daughter.

Me? I felt disappointment. How awful am I? My heart didn’t care if it was a boy or girl because all I wanted was a healthy. My head…well…I convinced myself it was a boy. A boy – for Craig. For the love of my life. I pictured football games, Craig and baby boy sitting on the couch watching soccer, cheering him on at baseball. I wanted to give Craig the boy I know he’d be the perfect Dad for. I wanted a boy – just like his Daddy.

Then – I felt pressure. Pressure for the next baby to be a boy.

ALL of this – in a split second.

“Why are you crying?” Craig squeezed my hand.

“It’s happy tears.” I lied.

We finished our appointment and saw the doctor who confirmed that my gut feeling that it was a boy was absolutely – WRONG! He was 98% sure it was a girl.

We got good news – great news – feeling incredibly blessed that Dr. had not found anything wrong with Baby Girl.

I started to pray that this feeling of disappointment would go away so I could enjoy the good news.

We drove home and Craig started talking about what she could be.

“She’ll probably be tall. I just hope she gets my athletic ability,” he says laughing. “She could play soccer or volleyball. Look at those feet!”

My heart is just bursting as I see his face as he looks at our daughter’s sweet pic of her feet.

If you don’t believe in miracles…here’s your proof they do happen

Then it hit me. I’m have a Baby Girl. A girl. A girl. A GIRL!!! Thoughts of decorating her room, dance classes, baking together, dress up, Barbies, hair bows, tea time, dolls….

I think of sharing all of the things I love about being a girl with my daughter. I love being a bit of a tomboy who loves sports and cheers on Texas Tech, the Cowboys, and the Mavs. I love the girly, girl in me that loves makeup, shopping, cooking, baking, chick-flicks, crying without reason…

I silently said a prayer of thanks to God that He gave me this sweet baby girl and for forgiveness for the disappointment I felt at His creation.

By the end of the day, I was bubbling over with excitement! A baby girl. I was – AM – ecstatic about having a daughter.

The day was filled with all sorts of emotion that I had to share with Craig the real reason why I was crying at our appointment.

“You know Craig, I was pretty upset when I found out it was a girl.”

“Why?”

“I wanted a boy for you. Now I feel so much pressure the next time around to give you a boy.”

He looks at me and lovingly says,”You know we have nothing to do with this. Actually – isn’t it the guy that determines the sex of the baby?”

“Yes – it’s the guy,” I say.

“Well then, don’t worry. Because I am the chef and you’re just the oven.” He says matter of factly.

I laugh and laugh and laugh!

The I silently tell Baby Girl in my thoughts – **I can’t wait to meet you…I hope you’re just like your Daddy.**

Comments

  1. Czarina,

    I love this post! It’s so honest. I can’t predict how I’m going to feel when we have a baby, but I think I’m going to be like you. I know how badly Ryan will want a little boy to teach sports to and take hunting and fishing and then I also can’t imagine not having a girl! My mom and I have always been so close and I really want to have that with my own daughter someday. It’s all up to God! And like you said, the main thing is there is a precious (and healthy) little life growing in you that is going to be half of you and half of your favorite person in the world!

  2. This post just made me tear up a bit. So sweet!

    Y’all are going to be such great parents! I can’t wait to meet your baby girl!

  3. Erin Crista says:

    Congrats on the baby girl! So exciting! :)

  4. Czarina, this post was adorable. Even though it's been 10 years, I could totally hear your voice as I read through your words. I'm so excited for you & Craig!!