Never will I ever

Remember that game from college…

The one where you would say, “Never will I ever ________” and then say something that you actually have done, but if someone hasn’t done that thing – they had to take a swig of beer?

AH yes…the good ole days.

I had to take Iz to the doctor this morning because she was complaining about pain when she used the potty.  Since she’s a girl, we always have to rule out a UTI.  Today, she was extra stubborn and didn’t want to use the potty on her own.  And much to her protest – the doctor had to catheter her to collect a urine specimen.

As I held her tight and the nurses worked on collecting the specimen, she cried, yelled and kept saying, “No, Mommy!  Please, Mommy!  Stop them Mommy!”

It was then, my tears started to fall.  It was then I realized…

“Never will I ever…”

…be ready to see the doctor’s put in wires and tubes in  my son’s little body, although I know it’s what’s best to monitor him.

…be ready to hand over my son to the surgeon to open up his body to fix his heart that’s the size of an acorn.

…be able to hold back tears when I hear my child cry and screaming because they are in pain – although I know a screaming kid means he’s breathing…

…be rid of the guilt I feel daily – going over and over again in my head what could have happened to make this happen – although the doctors have told me repeatedly – this was not my doing.

…get used to the smell and sound of a hospital- even though it may be a regular home for me in the coming months

…be able to convince myself that leaving my heart healthy 2 year old who has already said she will miss me – is the best for her right now – although I know my sick son will need me more

…be able to see go into another doctor visit without my gut turning into knots – even the fetal MRI we have on Thursday has made me sick to my stomach – although I pray hard that they will not find anything else wrong with Baby

…be ready to give up hope and faith that God will heal my son – I declare daily he is already healed.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for my son – that he is growing well, his heart is functioning as well as can be expected, that his cleft palate/cleft lip are the only other issues he will have, that the fetal MRI shows nothing more than healthy organs, for strength for Craig and I, for peace for me as I battle daily with all the emotions of this terrible roller coaster ride, for understanding for our daughter, and ultimately for healing.

Thank you friends, family and strangers for your prayers.  Let’s flood the Heaven’s with these prayers.

Comments

  1. We will be praying with and for you. It’s definitely a roller coaster ride of emotions. But you will make it through and your son will be healthy!

  2. Meredith Cherry says:

    Done, Done, DONE!!! Prayers are flowing constantly for baby boy, you, Craig and Iz. Your family is in my prayers daily. I will be thinking of you especially on Thursday. I sending you a huge hug.

  3. Many prayers for all of you. I gave up on the never will I a long time ago. I have seen more than I ever thought I would in my lifetime in the last two years. It is amazing, sad, scary, and some of the happiest experiences I have ever had.

  4. youre in our thoughts and prayers guys we love you!! pam&jimmie