New Year.

What a year, huh?

There are years that can recall that have somewhat defined me and shaped me into the person I am today.

 

1998 – When I left for college and realized that there was so much to learn about in this world.  I was forced to find independence (and drink lots of beer…).

2003 – The year after I graduated from college and realized that I was no more ready to face the world 5 years later and with a degree.  To sum it up…I was still clueless.

2005 – A year into marriage and I found out that being married didn’t mean I could use my husband and my “wife” title to define me as a person.  I still had to find out what I wanted to be when I grew up…as a grown up.

2007 – The year I left for medical school and left my husband to pursue a dream of becoming a physician. Looking back, it was almost my last attempt at finding the missing piece of me that I longed for.  The piece that gave me “purpose.”  And during that first year away from my best friend and all the people I loved, I quickly found out that I could not rely on people or myself for joy or fulfillment…it was deeper than that….I had to delve deeper into my faith.

2009 – Then it happened.  I became a mother.  I left medical school with a 3.65 GPA and decided to start a bakery.  I took risks I never thought I would.  I experienced miracles daily with my daughter.  I realized I could love deeper as I watched my husband care for and love our child.  I thanked God everyday for my blessings and thought that I found the person who I had been searching for – one who was rooted in faith, family.

2011 – I found out about my son.  We faced, as a family, the joy of completing our little household right along with the heartache of the possibility of losing our child and sibling for Iz.  I have experienced every emotion.  I have gone through phases of grieving.  I realized that my faith was still so weak.  I realized that really praising God is found in the times when you’re in the darkest pits of your life and walking where you can’t find a breath of hope.  And it’s in those times, you have to praise God for walking with you, walking for you, and looking back at all times you tried to walk and He carried you.

I discovered family is an extension of me.  They are my arms that embrace my life and every joy and hardship I experience.  That my times of darkness are moments of deep grief for their hearts.  That my small victories are times they find their smiles – for me.

I discovered that real friends – true and endearing – aren’t necessarily the ones that are the longest in your life but the ones in the most trying times – are the ones that stand by you, unwavering, weep with you, and rejoice for you when you can’t find it in you to find joy.  They are the ones that make you laugh through your tears, take care of you when you forget how, and comfort you when you don’t realize you need it.

I re-discovered that my daughter is a blessing.  Truly a blessing and miracle.  The mere fact that she arrived healthy, in one piece, breathing on her own, her heart beating…is a miracle.  As much as my heart aches for the lightening speed she has grown up, I thank God that He has given us the past couple of years filled with laughter, challenges, trials and joy and pray for many many years with her.

I discovered that my marriage is delicate yet strong.  That my husband who has been my rock and support for so many years of my life isn’t the solid foundation I thought he was…that he’s human, he’s broken, and there are moments he can’t be those things I need him to be – and that’s ok. I saw in him a love so deep for his family, that in that love, is his greatest weakness.  I have to find that solidity in my faith and in my God – the only thing out there that can handle it all. But yet, it is in our faith and in our God that we realized that our marriage is one that withstand any hardship – because as Craig and I cling to each other…it’s God that truly holds us together.

With the New Year among us, I don’t have any resolutions.  I don’t have any expectations.  All I know is what’s before us.  The addition of our son in the next few weeks.  A son who will have to fight for his life even before his first breath.  Our child who we’ve prayed for and will continue to pray for and ask God to heal through the hands of his doctors and surgeons.  We’ll be faced with a roller coaster of emotions, trials, hardships….and joy…lots and lots of joy.  I’ll experience the miracles of God through his journey and probably discover parts of myself I never knew existed.

2012 – A year that will help define me…again.