Open your eyes.

Evan,

Last night I couldn’t sleep in our hotel room.

I picked you up out of your crib and made a pillow a wall on my bed. I got your blankies and put them all round your head just like you like it.

I lay withย  you and watched you sleep for hours.

I don’t think I could ever tire of you, son. Ever.

Tomorrow is a big day for you.

As I wake you up – in your footie jammies, messed up hair, and sweet puffy lips from sleep – you will give me your smile that I love so much and greet me with, “Mama!”

Sweet boy. I’m sorry about what we are about to put you through.

I’m so sorry that you are going to wake up happy one day and in the days following wake up in so much pain.

I’m so sorry for what you are going to go through. I promise you – if I could take your spot – I would – in a heartbeat. I’d do it a million times over…over and over again.

But, baby, the most important thing though, is that you wake up.

You open your eyes and you look for mama.

You open your eyes and you’ll see me. I promise I will not leave your side until I see your perfect eyes open. I promise I will not leave your side until I hear you cry out, “Mama” again.

The pain you will experience physically, son, I promise you my aching heart is matching. Even in this moment.

But, you open your eyes.

You open your eyes and you find me.

You open your eyes and I will tell you how strong you are, how brave you are, how important it is that you stay with us.

You open your eyes and you’ll see Daddy waiting to see his “baseball watching buddy.”

You open your eyes and I’ll show you pictures of sister that will get to see you when you are feeling better.

You just open your eyes and I will remind you of what to fight for.

I’ll remind you that we still have first days of school. We still have trips to the beach so you can play in the water and splash and laught.

We still have t-ball.

We still have arguments over cleaning your room, making your bed, picking up your toys.

We still have Christmas mornings where sister and you wake Daddy and I up when the moon is still out.

We still have first crushes.

We still have projects for school that you “forgot to do.”

We still have “Mom – you are so lame!” for you to yell at me.

We still have first dates. First loves.

We havea life time son.

We have a life to live and many years to live them.

I promise you this….we will live out our lives together. Full.ย  Long.

I just need you to open your eyes.

And see that your life is waiting for you.

I will see you soon, my best boy.

With everything I am…I love you,

Mama

 

 

Comments

  1. I don’t know you, but we are praying for you. I know a little about your journey because of a few things in my life as well as my sister-in-law’s lives. My girls and I almost lost my husband, their Daddy about 10 years ago. It seems forever, yet I can still remember all the fear. It was a long, scary journey that God walked with us and brought us through for His Glory. Now 10 years later Ben is still with us and we have 2 awesome boys added to our family ๐Ÿ™‚
    The other reason I know just a tiny glimpse of what you are going through is we have 2 nephews born with major heart defects and one with numerous other added complications. For reasons that make no human sense and only because of God those boys are still here, after numerous hospital stays and countless surgeries and many “close calls” and it is all for His Glory. We can’t know exactly what someone else has or is or will walk through, but we can stand with you in faith and love and pray. So that is what we are and will continue to do. Blessings…..TeamKuder ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Rose Wright says:

    Czarina,
    My twins and I first met you and your lovely sister at your cafe in Deep Ellum. We were so proud to have met such strong, courageous, and selfless women as yourselves. I read the post your sister placed on FB and followed the link here, to your blog. Your entry pulled at my heart and please know that prayers are with you and your family. God bless, stay strong, and keep loving.
    – Rose Wright (fellow pinay and supporter!)

  3. thinking of you all