Honesty

It’s been a while since my fingers have touched the keyboard and allowed the turmoil in my heart to be put into words.

But, yesterday was a turning point for me.  I couldn’t breathe from the anxiety and had to sit down from the sheer magnitude of fear that swept over me.  I hadn’t had a moment like that in a long time. I’ve been pretty good about filling my life and social media feed with all the smiles and all the moments that make looking at my so called life fun and carefree.

Oh man.  What a lie that’s been.

I went to Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordeman’s tour Moxie Matters last night.  And the topic that was discussed was pain.  Maybe physical pain. Maybe emotional pain. Whatever that pain looks like – it’s all the same.  It takes your breath away, knocks you down, maybe kicks you while you’re trying to get up, and if it’s a giant SOB -it may even call you names and tell you you’re weak, alone, and helpless.

Here’s the thing, what this is….this thing…this pain I’m finally admitting to being in has finally become bigger than what I can physically handle.  It’s like the ache in my soul is starting to leak out of my eyeballs.  I thought I was crazy for this random sob fest…but really…I’m just finally doing it.  I’m finally feeling it.  Like really feeling it.

So what’s it about?  I’m aching for the what is to come.

The subject us moms in the Heartland or the parents of medically fragile kids don’t really discuss when your life is in the throes of the mundane. The beautiful mess of normalcy. The boring daily routine of the schedules that are utter bliss.   Because man…you just want to live in this land of Denial for as long as humanly possible.

But it’s coming.  And I’m effing not ready for it.  The “it” being the next season of surgeries and procedures that are so close it makes me physically ill.

And the “it” is so different now.  When we were in the hardest moments and the scariest storm, my boy had no idea what was happening to him.  He was just a baby.  What a blessing that was.  A blessing to put a baby through 3 open heart surgeries and 2 craniofacial reconstructions….yes..a blessing.  Because he had no freaking clue what was happening to him.

Now, 5 years later, my best boy goes to Kindergarten, has friends and maybe a couple of girlfriends (dude…he’s fierce), plays baseball and looks utterly adorable in the catcher’s gear that is way too big….he understands he’s different but doesn’t think twice about it.

So to turn his world upside down to bring him back to hospital life –  a life we only remember from pictures, videos and memories….

What am I supposed to do?  What am I supposed to tell him?  We have one big rule in this house and that’s we don’t lie to each other.  So, when he asks me will it hurt….how do I give him peace and give him truth?  So, when he asks me if I’m scared…how I do offer my honesty yet shield his innocence?

I’m out of practice for the fight.  Feel ill equipped for the battle.  Because, honestly, we’ve been damned happy just living.

So there’s my truth today. My soul aching for the what is to come.  My heart breaking because I know all too well …the only way to get past it….is to go through it.

The bravest kid I knowThe bravest of the brave

 

Blessed to be 2 today!

I’m up early today, buddy. Daddy left for work already – it is just a little after 5am. I’m listening to your breathing through the baby monitor and am anxiously waiting to hear your morning babble of “Mama,” “milk,” “football,” and “uh ohs,” that you do every morning as your welcome a new day. What […]

Choice.

There’s something about having choices that makes us feel empowered. It’s about knowing that you have a say in the decision. It’s also about taking responsibility for the choice you make. The most difficult part of having a child with a heart defect is that the choices we make for him/her now will effect them […]

Happy New (old) Year

I’m reading lots of blogs and articles about how to go into the New Year. Leave behind the past. Move forward. Let go. But, I just can’t. I can’t and don’t want to let go of this past year and the memories I’ve made. It has been a dynamite year. It has been a difficult […]

Overwhelmed.

The stockings were empty, the gifts are unwrapped, Christmas cinnamon rolls were eaten…the toy fights had begun. It’s Christmas morning. I haven’t posted in a while. We had our big trip to Boston and then suddenly the holiday has been in full swing. Gifts had to made, cookies had to be baked (and eaten), parties […]

Thanksgiving 2013

I’m not sure what to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. If you read my last post, we shared a part of  journey with Evan that we are getting ready to take. We are set to travel to Boston to get another opinion on his special heart. But, in the midst of this storm…another perfect storm […]

After the turkey.

It’s 6:30 AM and the sound of “Mama” from my best boy’s mouth is coming from his baby monitor. I get up, get a sippy cup of milk ready, fill syringes for medicine, and pour myself a big cup of coffee for the day. I walk into his room – dimly lit with the hum […]

Hats.

The hardest part about this journey is having to be so many things all at once for Evan.  All the hats that sit atop my head. Mother. Advocate. Cheerleader. Therapist. Nurse. Friend. I’m stuck in a rut where I need out quickly. With the fall season arriving in Texas, the cooler weather has brought our […]

My Tatay

It’s a walk I’ve walked before.  Halls that smell of sickness and fear. Head hung low. Eyes bloodshot from tears. Glances of sympathy from passersby. But this time, I didn’t have hope deep seeded in my soul. After a long fight and a blessed life, my grandfather – my Tatay – is home.  To the […]

Here we go again. And prayer requests.

We’ve had a summer to remember. Trips to the beach, water parks. Lazy days at home or friend’s houses playing and laughing. Ice cream and cook outs. Playgrounds and slides. All the things a summer should be about. Enter 3 months of no doctors visits, no therapy, nothing resembling the life we had only known […]

Beat.

I have written, re-written, deleted and thought and thought and thought about today’s post for the past couple of weeks. I have sat at the keyboard asking my fingers to type something poignant or something funny or something heartwarming….just something. But, every time I have sat poised ready to talk about today…I found myself in […]