Surrender

Yesterday I anointed Evan with my tears.

Begged and pleaded to God to make him better.

Read over passages in Scripture – searching for an answer – any answer – to why this was happening.

This was the down hill part of the roller coaster ride of my day.  My everyday.

Yesterday morning, I blogged about how well Evan has been doing.  I was truly positive.  Excited about the day – spending it just enjoying him.

And then the afternoon rolls around and his oxygen levels aren’t as good as they normally are.  And the night was worse as we watched the doctors and nurses give him oxygen.

And I lost it.

I don’t think I’m doing this right.  Praying in faith.

Because I don’t want God to take Evan from me – even if it’s God’s will.

I don’t want to watch him suffer – even if it’s part of His plan for Evan.

I don’t want to watch Craig breakdown and have to hold each other all night – even if it’s going to strengthen our marriage.

I don’t want to be the poster child of how to live a life in faith and be an example for others.  I don’t.

I just want to have my son healthy.  I want him to be ok.  I want to have a life with him and make memories like I did with Isabelle.

But it’s not about what I want – and that is so hard to digest.

I struggle more and more – daily lately – to understand why this is all happening.  Why God chose my son to endure this?  Why God chose our family to suffer through this trial?

I don’t have answers.  I only hope and pray that I get a little bit peace through all of this.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1, KJV).

I hope for healing.  I hope for a miracle.  I hope for peace.  I hope that my heart will know joy again soon.

Evidence of things not seen…now that’s a doozy.

Because as I struggle with watching my boy suffer, as I struggle with watching Craig wrought with anger and helplessness, as I struggle with the pain and agony of the unknown future for Evan…I don’t see much evidence of hope.

And then I’m pulled back to times of great struggle in my past and see God working in those times.  I also see God not working in those times…but that was His response to my prayer.  And the sheer nothingness of His response was what was so monumental in that time.

But now, I’m praying for big things.  I’m praying for healing beyond understanding.  And I don’t want His response to be “No” even if its His will.

Let me tell you a secret.  I see visions of Evan with Craig.  I see him running in a white polo shirt and little khaki pants chasing Craig in our yard.  I believe that’s God’s little glimpse of His promise to me.  He just needs me to be patient.  He needs me to let Him do His job.  He needs me to surrender it all to Him.

Surrender. I’m here, God.  On my knees.  Pleading.  Begging.

Amen.

Comments

  1. I cry for you right now. I dont have any words but lots of love.

  2. Czarina,
    I only have a glimpse of how hard the whole thing is for you, as my son was only in NICU for a week for unknown reasons after birth, but i do pray for you and will pray daily for you and Evan and the rest of the family. most of us can not know what you are going through, but know that you have many praying for you and evan and for a miracle in him. (a quick one!) so you all can go on to have a normal life again soon! i will wear red in Evan’s honor tomorrow too! 🙂

  3. After we miscarried twice I remember thinking how I didn’t care the reason, that no reason warranted messing with a child’s life. I also recently talked about how I’m not sure how to pray in light of my unborn daughter’s heart condition. These two truly go hand in hand. How do we pray in God’s will when our will is so strongly for the benefit of one we hold so dearly? This goes way beyond the classic reprimand we get for treating God like a vending machine…we’re not asking for a simple childish want, we beg for what so many others take for granted: safe, happy, healthy children. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers tonight.

    “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27

  4. Oh my word I just feel for you because I remember exactly feeling just like that. I will be praying.

  5. Hugs, sweetie. I remember exactly what you were feeling. I could not eek out the words for “God to work his Will” because I was (and still am) so terrified of what that is.

    It is a daily-struggle to release it all to God.

    I’m Praying for your family.

  6. {{{HUG}}} Praying for you all.

  7. Your Strength and understanding are amazing. We are praying for you and your family! Continue to be strong even when you think all your strength has left you. God is with you.

  8. My beloved Czarina… We are all praying your family but especially for little Evan. Stay strong and if there’s anything you need, please know that we are here for you. Remember, if God brings you to it, He will see you through it. We love you!!

    XOXOXOXO