The reason for the season

I realized last night that Christmas is almost over.

The past couple of months have been a blur to me.  I LOVE the Christmas season.  I love Christmas music, Christmas parties, Christmas movies…everything about the holiday.

And this year…I let Christmas sneak up on me.

I avoided the holiday season the past couple of months and really avoided the past couple of weeks.  I would wallow in my sadness over my life, the baby, the hard year to follow.

I would cry at the drop of a hat at the littlest things that would bring me joy – sad instead of happy every time Iz would be joyous about something Santa, something snowman, something Christmas season.

I’m really good about putting on a happy face and feeling the exact polar opposite on the inside.

And after another round of tears last night, Craig looked at me and said, “No tears.  For the next two days, let’s be happy.  Let’s be happy for Iz – for us.”  And the way he said it – was almost pleading to me.  Begging to have the wife back who would relish in this season…even if it’s for a couple of days.

I laid awake last night thinking about how I’ve been the past couple of months and weeks.  The dark cloud that hangs over my head of the year to come with the hard journey of our son.

And then – I thought of Mary.

Mary – Mommy to Jesus.  A young, woman – asked by God to bear a child that would do great things…but also would die.

A fellow Heart Mama wrote about something similar and it came to the forefront of my mind in the late hours of the evening.

Mary – asked to carry a son, raise a son, then lose him.  She probably had the same pregnancy issues – you know – craving Nutella/Peanut Butter Graham Cracker sandwiches, back pain from standing in line at Target, having to use the bathroom at really inopportune times…

She probably had the same worries as most mothers do.  Worried about the pain of delivery, middle of the night crying spells, toddler hood, raising a teenager….but yet she did what God asked.  She gave birth to son – no matter what was to be.  Because it was God’s will, it was God’s plan for her, Jesus’ life would have purpose…so no matter what the cost..she needed to have this baby.

Then I thought of me.  I’m not Mary – she was innocent and pure and sacred.  And many of you know I am not either (sincewe’retalkingaboutit – Dear God…please forgive me for South Padre Island spring break, for parking in front of random houses and drinking a bottle of wine before I went to the club [when I was 19…], for the shot bus I planned freshman year at Tech that nearly got my sorority charter pulled, for the back seat of Craig’s car….well…the big Guy knows it all…no need to air my dirty laundry here…but what a great blog that would be…)

I’m nothing like Mary in the purity sense.  But, we’re both mother’s.  God may not have asked me to carry the next Messiah, but He has asked me to carry one of His children.  A child – my son – who has taught me and many how to pray, about truly trusting in His promises, about faith, about courage, about bravery, about the dangers of pride,  about the true meaning of unconditional love…

I’m sure she was scared.  Let’s be real – she was going to give birth in a barn without drugs.  Seriously, she had no idea what to expect but she knew the gravity of what this birth meant.  She didn’t know how long Jesus would live.  All she knew was that no matter what, God would see her through.  He would carry her.  He would comfort her.  He would guide her every move – as Jesus mother and a daughter of His.  He promised to never leave her.  He promised to give her all that she would need in every trial.  He made these promises…He just never promised it would be easy.

Now me – I’m scared.  I’m terrified.  And as humbling as it is to think – God loves me (and you)  just as much as He loved Mary.  He knows all my fear.  He knows all my worry.  He knows all my doubts.  But, He has promised me the same things – comfort, strength, guidance, love, and peace.  My child has been asked to carry a burden as well.  Nothing like Jesus – but a burden nonetheless.  Some may not think it’s fair or even right that a just and loving God does this.  But, we have to remember – that God doesn’t cause things like this to happen – He allows them to.  I don’t know why and I may never know why.  But, what I do know, is that my son’s story has taught me and Craig so much.  He has touched lives.  I will never forget the messages I’ve received since sharing my story that start out with, “I don’t believe in God.  I don’t pray.  But your story touched me and I will pray for you son…”

I’m human – so it doesn’t mean I don’t have my doubts, my anger, my frustrations.  It doesn’t mean that if my son doesn’t live that I’ll be ok.  It just means I need to remind myself everyday that no matter what – God will see me through this.  He will be there for me.  He will give me what I need, when I need it.  He will show me joy in the darkest times.  He will be my strength when I am at my weakest.  He will give me love, when I don’t deserve it.

So, tomorrow is Christmas.  How different this season is to me this year.  How much I learned from Mary, the mother of all mothers, about faith, the courage, and the true reason for the season.

Merry (and Mary) Christmas….

And Mary said, ‘My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant.  Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name.'” (Luke 1:46-49).

 

Comments

  1. Love this post. I might have gotten a little caught up in the part where you aired OUR dirty laundry!!! But the rest of it was beautiful and helped my soul today. I have been wrapped up in the gunk this year too but I know that God is calling me to remember Him this season and not wallow in my stuff. Thanks for writing this beautiful post – Love you!

  2. Touching blog, as always! I continue to pray for your family and hope your Christmas truly is Merry <3