The waiting place.

Now that Christmas over.

The New Year is over 3 weeks old.

And Evan’s Dora and Diego failed Pinterest party attempt is done…

I have nothing to distract me from the wait.

The waiting place.

The place we all hate to be in in the Heartland.

The place where our mind travels to the far corners of the “what ifs,” the worse case scenarios, the painful statistics…

The place where we have to face what lies ahead for our tiny heroes and the reality of what’s to come.

The difficult part of the waiting place is this time around is that we are home.  We are home and I am staring at my little dude in his guitar, zipper jammies playing with his Legos (ok – he is just throwing them at me) and he is tugging at my pajamas signing for milk.

The two times we were headed into a surgery we landed ourselves a hospital stay where Evan was really, really sick.  And the only thing we could do to save him is have a surgeon open up his heart and operate.  I prayed for surgery day to hurry up.  I counted down each day with excited anticipation…because I could see  my boy struggling in his hospital bed.

This time is different.  It’s very, very different.

We just celebrated a birthday where he bounced for an hour. I saw in friend’s eyes their amazement at Evan as he clapped, sang, and danced…I could feel them asking the question in their head,”I can’t believe he needs to have open heart surgery.”

I ask that question daily….hourly…every time I glance his way.

There are challenging logistics we face this time around that we have never had to face before.

Travel.

Being away from family and friends…and the support that they give us.

Our family being torn in two while I stay behind in Boston for Evan’s recovery and Craig and Iz return home so he can work and Iz can have a normal routine.

Financial issues like plane tickets, hotel stays.

Everyday things like who will take Iz to school?

How can we swing Craig leaving for work at 6am and Iz who doesn’t have to be at school until 8:30am?

What are they going to eat?  How much food can my my freezer hold so Craig isn’t “Chick fil a-ing,” “Pizza-ing,” “Grilled chees-ing” it every night.

How do I pack for Evan and I?  We will be away for 2 seasons – 2 friggin’ seasons – part of winter and part of spring.

Logistics.

The biggest thing I face is how I am going to hand my boy over…again.

Hand him over for the the biggest, riskiest surgery to date.

Hand him over as I hit my knees in prayer hoping and praying that this “works.”

That this big risk we are taking with his life….is the right one.

I am holding onto hope and to faith that we are doing the right thing by him.

As I listen to his breathing become heavier and heavier….I just continue to envision a better Evan walking out the doors of Boston Children’s Hospital.

We are month away.

Part of me needs the day to already be here so I don’t have anymore time to worry about it.

Part of me never wants the day to arrive so we can spend our days at home watching Dora and Diego and building Lego cars.

There is so much that needs to be done….so much that needs to be planned.

In all that planning, though, there needs to be lots of down time of just hanging with my dude.

There needs to be cuddles and kisses and memories made.  There needs to be that.

Because we just don’t know…

My friends in the Heartland have been coaching me and guiding me on how I need to get through the days ahead.

I need help getting through every day things without breaking down.

I need to be able to function normally.  Truly.  I can’t make meal, fold laundry, pick up toys without falling to pieces.

I need to be able to make it through a dinner without Iz asking me, “Mama – are those happy tears or sad tears?”

I need to find a way to function and be present.

While we wait, I ask – beg – for prayers for my spirit.

In the days to come, I will post very specific prayers on what to pray for.  I will post every need.  I will post every desire for Evan.  And I will ask you to share those prayers with your church, your friends, you family.

Because, while I – we wait – for February 24th to arrive – another Miracle Day – while my heart is in turmoil, while the rest of the world continues to turn as mine feels like it has stopped, while we wait for the day Craig and I have prayed for since before Evan’s birth – the day his heart will be repaired…

I have to remember that mountains are already being moved…that in this wait there is already healing.

That in this wait…there is already prayers being answered.

That in this wait…there is already miracles happening.

 

So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.

Isaiah 30:18