Thief

When I found out about Evan’s diagnosis, I remember grieving the loss of my son.

Sure, the doctor’s talked about surgical interventions that could be done to repair his heart.

Sure, they talked about patients they had that were living well into their 20’s…and some beyond.

But in that moment…I was robbed.

Of every dream.

Of every hope.

Of every moment I wanted for him.

I feared a life full of doctor’s visits, surgeries, medications, feeding pumps – even before I knew what his name would be.

Every expectation of a full life…vanished in the moment they said, “I’m so sorry….”

My baby shower was a joyful time…but shadowed under a cloud of sadness and fear I could see in my eyes, my family eyes, my friends eyes.  Everyone hopeful…yet still apprehensive…not sure what would happen until I gave birth and after.

I didn’t open the door to Evan’s room, set up his crib, decorate…until about a week before he arrived.  Too afraid to make a home for a baby that I may not bring home.

I would brush off the guilt I felt for not preparing for him like I did for Iz…blaming “second baby syndrome.”  The problem in which the 2nd child is kind of looked over…since the first baby already gave us so much practice.

But, in my heart, I didn’t do the things I did for Iz…in fear.

My delivery day – I spent most of it anxious.  Not excited. Not happy.  Sick to my stomach with worry.  I’d look at Craig and cry.  He’d look at me and didn’t know what to do…he was going through it as well.

He was getting robbed…just like me.

The unknown, the fear, was a thief.  It stole moments I’ll never get back.  It stole hope.  It stole joy.  It even stole love.

I tried over and over again to hold back love for Evan.  I didn’t want to love a baby I could lose.  I didn’t want to love a son that I prayed for just to have him taken away from me.

But, my heart knew better than my mind.

I still get that sinking feeling in my gut, my stomach in knots, my brow furrowed almost all day….in worry for my boy.

I hold back more tears now that ever as I watch Iz and Evan play.  As I watch my best girl whisper to my best boy…”I love you, baby brudder.  You’re so cute!”

I quickly wipe away the solitary tear going down my cheek as I hear Evan squeal with excitement when his Daddy plays peek-a-boo with him.

I banish the visions of handing my boy over for heart surgery and the glimpses of him tied down in the ICU with wires and tubes and machines beeping behind him.

I try to focus on the chub a wub in front me.  On the smile that goes for miles.  On the joy I feel now.  On the moments most people take for granted.

Late nights.

Dirty diapers.

Messes of formula, baby food, spit up, throw up.

Laundry mounds of onesies, jumpers, footie jammies.

Bottles that need to be washed.

Those little things…are all evidence that the thief didn’t take everything from me.

Because my boy is still here.

He is growing and by the grace of God…thriving.

I know a miracle is close by.  Many days I have no fear…confident that Evan’s heart will be repaired and he will be with us for many, many years.

All too often, though, us Heart Moms find ourselves as victims of the thief.  The robber that stole our joy in the beginning.  The thief that threatens to take our moments with our warriors.  The bandit that is ready in the wings to take our visions of a future with our children.

We find ourselves in puddles.  Lost in the sea of our own tears.  The thief taking away our life vest…almost drowning in our fear.

We are all so desperate to take a breath, have a moment where we’re not looking over our shoulder for the robber to steal the next smile from our hearts….

Now that my boy is getting closer and closer to his repair, I decided to welcome the thief in our lives.  I decided to let him take things from me and my family.

Every moment I make a decision…many times a day I consciously make the choice.

I decided to let him take back the fear.

I decided to let it steal the worry from our hearts.

I am going to give it tears…but save the tears of joy and happiness for me.

Heart Mamas….we let that thief take so much from us.  Many of us not getting the first few months with our warriors because of our hospital stays.  Many of us losing the joy that pregnancy brings.  Many of us missing out on seeing our baby because all we see is their broken heart.

Like I do every day….and most of the day….I let the thief in….empty my heart of the fear….fill that thief’s greedy arms so it can’t steal any more of what my family deserves.

I’ve taken back…even if it’s just for solitary moments….I take back the joy.

I take back my son.

 

Comments

  1. Beautifully written as always.

  2. Czarina,
    My beautiful heart mommy friend…..{{{{HUG}}}}. Let me say, as a heart mom who has been right where you are right now, it will get better. One day you will find that all of these ‘sad” feelings about things that you feel you have been robbed of will be replaced with only feelings of “thankfulness”. You will find your heart full of so much joy, happiness and laughter. All of the hard work, sacrifice and heart ache will be rewarded with every smile, giggle and “I love you mama” that sweet little boy is going to share with you. The pain will subside, while not totally ever gone, but will allow room for much healing!

  3. I WISH people could understand the fear. The endless worry. I did not even have a baby shower for my son thinking that I would regret it if something happened. I felt that fear of falling in love, because he might not make it. I remember being sad as we drove to the hospital that morning, I wasn’t nervous about a c-section, I just wanted to keep him in there where he was safe. Then when he arrived, I could not stop the love, the fear was still their but my love and my will to keep him, to fight for him has been greater every day. Thank you for reminding me not to let the thief take away from us what we have been fighting so hard to Keep.