Worth It

Don’t be fooled by this pretty face.

Don’t be fooled by my the coat of armor I wear – sarcasm, humor – my defense mechanism against the sadness of world.

I am hurting.

I am broken.

But, he and He is worth it.

Last night, we were making dinner and Craig and I were joking around about something.  He looked at me and said, “I’m glad to see you smiling on your birthday today.”  Held me tight – and for a second – the smile on my face was a glimmer of hope from inside my heart.

I guess I’ve been a basket case lately – and I have every right to be.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve finally had all the tests done, met all the doctor’s and specialist, talked about it with family, told the world (aka Facebook – my world is small…pathetically small), cried about it with friends, made plan after plan for as soon as he’s born….but for once – I feel like I can breathe.

And I’m not naive.  I know some may read this blog and think, “Oh poor, poor girl.  Her sad little son. She must be dreaming to think he’ll make it.  Praying for a miracle.”

Maybe I am – dreaming – that it is.  Praying – I am – for sure (that was kinda Yoda like…sorry…I digress).

I plan and I plan and I plan and I plan.  The doctors and nurses in the cardiology department know me by name.  I got the email of the chief of  plastic surgery yesterday – you know – in case I had any other questions (since the visit only lasted 3 hours….).

But, I’m not deluded.  I get that a plan is just a plan.  I’ve read the sad stories of babies who don’t make it.  I get it.  The game changer is – well – my son and  how he’ll react to living outside of Mommy.  I won’t be able to breathe for him.  I won’t be able to keep his heart beating.  He’ll have to do it all.

Everyday, I pray that I’ll deliver him, he’ll come out, and the doctors will be stunned that he is perfectly normal – to everyone’s surprise!  Alas – I know that won’t happen.  But, I pray everyday for healing.  I pray everyday that he’ll be strong and fight. I plead to God that he’ll make it.  I know there is the possibility of complications. I beg that his body –  his heart, his organs, everything – will function normally and he’ll be ok.  I pray and pray and pray and he gets through each surgery like a champ and doesn’t have to deal with complications.

But, to give my boy hope – to give him every chance to fight – to give him a future filled with laughter and love – to give Him the glory when it’s all done…

Worth it.

For me to experience heartache and worry – for my husband to carry our family in prayer – for my daughter to see her Mommy and Daddy fight for brother’s life – for God to show His love and mercy through my son….

Worth it.

And then last night – I prayed for something different.  I prayed the normal prayers – strength, healing, blah, blah blah.  But, last night, I also prayed for God to exceed my every expectation. I realized that I may be praying too small.  My prayers may just be a fraction of what God has planned.  So, I prayed for Him to go beyond my prayers, beyond all healing, beyond all my dreams and wishes for my boy.  Because, if He surpasses all of the things I pray for, what an amazing life this kid is going to have.  I felt a little selfish after I did.  Wanting the most and best for my son.  But, a peace came over me and almost in a whisper I heard God say, “Ask for me to do this.  Ask for me to exceed your every dream and your every prayer for him..because, you, are worth it.”

Can I get an AMEN?!?

 

 

Comments

  1. AMEN! I totally love this post and I can tell you that miracles do indeed happen. I have seen them and most heart families have seen them. When you spend time in NICU/PICU you will see them every single day.

    You are worth it. You will feel the miracle. You will know all your planning is worth it.

    I continue to keep your family in my prayers.

  2. AMEN!!!!! Pray BIG!!! We should not limit God to what we can comprehend, our BIG prayers are LITTLE prayers for HIM! Keeping you all in our prayers daily, Czarina!! HUGS!