"You’ll never know…"

This is the thought that ran through my head last night.

Last night…

The night before…

And the night before that…

I looked down at my crying, red nosed, sick baby girl and thought to myself

“You’ll never know…”

You’ll never know the absolute fear that coursed through my veins when the thermometer read 102.1 and how helpless I immediately felt when I couldn’t do anything but hold you and give you medicine around the clock.

You’ll never know that my frustration from you throwing up on me – yet again – in the middle of the night wasn’t because of you – but because of the fact that I couldn’t make you feel better.

You’ll never know as I rocked you for hours in the still of the night as you looked at me with tired eyes – that I would give anything to make your little body feel better.

You’ll never know the anxiety I feel as I lay in bed listening the monitor – torn between wanting to hear silence so I knew you were finally sleeping – and wanting to hear you cry to make sure you’re still taking breaths.

You’ll never know how seeing you smile after days of cries makes my heart fill with joy unlike anything else.

You’ll never know the endless prayers for you that fill my mind and are spoken to the Father…

You’ll never know….until you do….

Until you experience motherhood and the moments that create healers out of illness and warriors out of women.

Until you become a mother and hold your own in your arms…

You’ll never know.


  1. Ashley Coleman says:

    Czarina that was beautfiul.

  2. etphonehome21 says:

    I'm tearing up! You're such a good Mom. I hope she starts feeling better soon.

  3. Couldn't you have at least put MASCARA ALERT! at the top. i've got to go to my son's veteran's day performance in a few hours!

    but so true.
    i'm almost considering printing it off for my kids to read someday.

  4. The Donaho's says:

    So, so true….perfectly said!! But once you get passed this little illness, just remember that we take the good with the bad….We get to experience all the awesome stuff like wet, slimy, open-mouthed kisses from our littles ones, and being the only person in the whole world that can make him/her feel better. Prayers to you all for a speedy recovery!

    Ps….I'm adding you to my list of "blogs i stalk" on my blog. hope that's okay:)