5 Minutes in a (Heart) Mom’s Head

I laughed so hard when I read this blog that I came across about what it is like to be inside a mom’s head for 5 minutes.  

I sent it to my husband to show him my crazy is shared ’round the world by women who lovingly (and tirelessly) call themselves “Mom.”  He then added, “Man – this is just s small bit of what’s in your mind.  If only people knew what it was like to be inside your head…!”

So…here goes.  

5:46 AM – Sh!t. It’s almost 6.  Why haven’t I heard him?  Is the monitor on?  Is he breathing?  Is he…?  No…don’t go there.  He’s fine.  But just to be sure, let me take a quick peak.  Where is that pulse ox?  I think I put it in the night stand.  What the hell is all this crap?  I need to clean out this drawer.  Oh hey – there’s that bulb syringe that I love.  Oh man…how long has it been in there for?  Wasn’t there an article about mold and bacteria growing in those blue suckers?  I need to find it.  Because there’s probably Ebola growing in that mess.  Is Ebola a bacteria Evan can fight?  Ebola was eradicated.  I think it was one of those diseases on World War Z that Brad Pitt injected himself with.  That was a good movie.  Ha.  Evan would survive since those zombies didn’t eat the people that were sick.  I need to eat breakfast before the kids wake up.  Maybe I should work out instead.  Oh yeah!  The pulse ox is by the DVD player where I put in the work out video yesterday when I was going to work out.  But, I thought he was breathing weird so I took his oxygen and forgot about exercising. And then I ate kettle corn instead.

I love this pulse ox. It’s the bomb dot com.  Ok…he’s breathing.  He’s on his tummy though.  Hmm…that’s new.  Is he able to get in good deep breaths like that?  That’s going to affect his oxygen saturations for sure.  But, is he on his tummy because he laying on his back is decreasing the intra-abdominal pressure and it feels better?  Wait…if he’s doing that that must mean something is making his stomach hurt?  Is his liver enlarged?  What side is his liver on again?  I need send an email to his cardiologist and GI doctor today and confirm.  Let me ask on Facebook first and see if my Heart Moms know.  Why hasn’t anyone responded to my question?  10 people have viewed it already.  Oh no..no one has experienced it.  Fu#$#!  It’s rare.  I knew it.  Oh wait..here’s a reply.  “Don’t have any experience…but I’d ask your cardio.”  No sh!it, Sherlock.  Didn’t you read that last line, “I will email my cardiologist but wanted to check here, first.”  Ok – Czarina – don’t be a biatch.  I hate how Facebook makes me a mean person.  Ha – there’s that funny article circulating around about “auto correct texts.” It’s so funny…I love Facebook.

Ok…which toe do I like?  The right toe gives me good readings but his foot is tucked under neath him.  Maybe I’ll try his thumb.  His thumb and his toe are kind of the same size.  Hmmm…that seems low. His heart rate is a little low.  It’s supposed to be low though.  That’s a sign of deep sleep.  His oxygen is a point lower.  Let me nudge him a little and maybe he will move so I can get to his right toe. His right toe is the money maker – I always get the reading I want with that right toe.  Oh no, oh no…don’t wake up…don’t wake up…just roll over so I can get to your right toe.  SUCCESS!  Hmmm…he’s breathing a little weird on his back.  I wonder if gravity is pushing on his heart too much an not letting it pump effectively.  I wanted to see “Gravity” in the movie theaters.  Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are such good actors.  I can’t believe George Clooney is finally getting married.  He’s kind of old…but he’s still hot.  If I think an old man is hot…does that make me a cougar?  No…that’s if I think young guys are hot because I’m old.  I’m 34 going on 85…I need a girl’s trip to make me feel young again.  Let me post that on Facebook and see if my “friends” want to go on one!

Eff it.  I can’t get a good reading on his right toe.  His numbers still don’t look like his norm.  I HATE this pulse ox!  Let me write an email to his cardiologist.  “I did a spot check on Evan this morning and he was satting lower than his norm.  While he normally sits around 93-94, his oxygen sats were around 92. Should I bring him in?”  Hmmm…that kind of sounds neurotic.  Well…of course I’m neurotic.  My kid has a freaking heart that doesn’t work like normal! I need to get on meds. I’ll get Evan’s meds ready so when he wakes up it will be ready for him.  I’m such a good mom.  Ok…1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.  All 12 meds are ready for when he wakes up.  Hey – are we out of M&Ms?  He won’t take his meds unless I bribe him with M&Ms!  He’s going to end up throwing up all of his meds and then I’ll have to take his stupid vitals all day long and we have 2 therapy appointments today. He needs to “perform” well so the therapist knows that we have been doing our homework.  I need them to know that we work all day.  Ok – maybe all day is a bit of an exaggeration.  But, I worked on his physical therapy yesterday – kind of.  I mean – isn’t letting Evan push around his sister in the laundry bin working on his leg and core strength?  And I totally let him cut with scissors – that’s fine motor at its best.  Ok so maybe I found him with his scissors cutting his hair in the bathroom.  But, when I found him he had cut off a good amount and he even said, “Look at me, Mama!”  He was so proud.  He cut something – fine motor skills.  AND – he put together 4 words!  Speech therapy done!  Oh wait..I ate the M&Ms with my kettle corn…I’m such a bad mom.

Let me try his left toe….winning!  His left toe is giving me the numbers I like!  Hmm….I wonder if his right toe isn’t getting perfused as well as the left.  Could there be a clot in his right leg that is causing the lower sats on his right toe?  His left toe is showing 93-94 but his right toe is only showing 90-92.  Oh NO!  His oxygen just jumped to 95!!  Could he be overcirculating?  Is that why his breathing is weird?  Let me get Google “2 year old respiratory rate while laying on back and/or stomach is there a difference and could it mean heart failure.”  AH! There are too many articles. Let me post this in my Heart Mom group and see if they know.  Oh hey – my friend said she was “IN” for the girl’s trip.  Where can we go?  I need to make sure we can even afford it.  I just “ignored” that last hospital bill. I wonder if my “payment plan” I’ve arranged for the 6 different collection agencies are going to be satisfied with my $50 a month plan.  Well…they will just have to be.  I can’t pay off $60K in 2 years.  And we still haven’t gotten all the bills.  I will just pay on it for the rest of my life.  Sigh…I guess I can’t go on a trip.  Screw it!  I’m going – you only live once and medical debt will always be there.  I’m going to suggest a beach trip.  Hmm…that means I need to start exercising and eating well.  I’m under too much stress to give up my wine.  I’ll just wear a tankini.

Sigh…I guess I’ll write another email to his cardiologist and ask about over circulation. I bet Evan is ok and just sleeping in because he’s growing.  I hope he’s growing.  I am shoving calories down his throat like no one’s business.  I’m effing tired of counting every single calorie. And if one more person tells me, “He’ll eat when he’s hungry!  Stop stressing about it!” I’m going to to ballistic.  My kid’s heart works twice as hard as a normal heart and I have every specialist is breathing down my neck to get him to gain weight.  I don’t know why he won’t gain weight – he gets donuts, avocados, whole milk with fortifier, chips, hot dogs – whatever the hell he wants when he wants it.  I’m gaining all the weight!  If I keep up with this high calorie diet – I’M going to be the size of house.  I need to work out more and eat clean again.  After the kettle corn is gone…I’ll start then.

Let me write another email to his cardiologist and nutritionist and see if his lack of weight gain is a cause for cardiac concern.  I’ll do it in bed though.  It’s too dang early and Evan will probably sleep another hour or so.  I hope he sleeps in so I can get some rest.  But, wait…if he sleeps another hour or so…that’s going to be 30 minutes longer than normal.  Could that mean he’s over tired and his heart is working too hard?  I’ll send another email to his cardiologist.  I bet he appreciates how attentive I am to Evan.  Or he thinks I’m crazy.

Nah…I just need more rest.

5:52 AM – 30 minutes before I start my day.  Then the real worrying can begin.



This is a picture of non-crazy mom.  





  1. Jessica says:

    Heart momma here! (TGA, VSD, PS, and CAA) and can I just say….GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!! LOL HAHA

  2. Jessica says:

    Loved it!

  3. This has been my life for thirty years…with peaks and valleys of course. But she is still here! My girl has down syndrome, so I’m as involved now as I was ‘then’ (as if any of us are EVER uninvolved). She had a DORV, ASD, VSD, PDA, PAS, Aortic stenosis, etc, etc. She was and is the first of her kind (DORV) to have a successful repair. Today’s call to the card: She appears to have developed varicose veins (what???!!!), and is having a cyst (or something) removed next week. Can she have anything like valium to ease her journey there? Answer: No, her heart rate and blood pressure run very low, it would be too dangerous. Sigh, sorry honey.
    We had a lot of years in there with nothing happening, those are coming for you~
    In the meantime, may I just say, well done! You got right into my head, too!