Big enough

So it didn’t work.

The PDA was closed and the catheter team had to pull out.

The interventionalist physician came out of the lab and had a hard time looking at me.

I knew he had tried his best and didn’t want to deliver the news that he had failed.

And now – surgery.

We prayed and hoped that this day would be far in the future but God has other plans.

Evan will have his first heart surgery tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM.

I don’t even know how to pray.  I really don’t.

I’m praying for success.

I’m praying for his surgical team and the surgeon.

I’m praying that Evan does well under anesthesia.

I’m praying Evan’s body tolerates the surgery.

I’m praying Evan stays free from infection.

I’m praying that he has a successful and swift recovery.

I’m praying he stays strong and fights.

I’m praying for Craig and I.

But, what if my prayers aren’t big enough.

What if I’m praying wrong.  I’m scared my faith isn’t big enough.  I’m scared I’m not doing this right or asking for the right things.

I feel helpless.

I’m looking at my son and all I can do is pray and now I’m worried I’m not doing that right.

And I need to do something right for him.

I sit and I pump – making breast milk – for when he recovers but I don’t feel like it’s enough.

Because tomorrow, I will hand over my son to a group of doctors and nurses who will cut him open, crack open his chest, sew parts onto his heart to help it work how it needs to work.

Tomorrow, he’ll have to wake up his body from anesthesia.

Tomorrow, my son will have to suffer in pain while he recovers from heart surgery.

Tomorrow, he will experience pain that I can’t even imagine as he heals.

Tomorrow, his body will have to learn to breathe again.

Tomorrow, I have to ask my son to fight for his life like he’s never done before.

And I just don’t think my prayers are big enough.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how to pray for something so big.

Since I don’t know what to do – I’ll finally have to give it to God.  Because, everything I’m trying to do to fix things – isn’t working.

God – here it is. Here he is.

You’re big enough.


  1. ashley cate says:

    Many thoughts and prayers are headed your way. For your son, family, and anyone involved in the surgery. There is no wrong way to pray. All you have to do is speak and God will listen. Don’t stop praying, and just keep believing.

  2. I’ll be praying!!!

  3. We’ll all be praying!! We’ll storm the heavens asking for the best for your family. Please keep us posted. God is big enough and I believe He hears even the smallest prayers. Be strong and God Bless you all.

  4. Our Father knows your heart and your need – and Evan’s. Words are too small and your need is too big to worry about forming the right words. Just say “Father!!!” He knows.

    I’ll be praying for your Evan, too. For the surgeon’s skillful hands, the anesthesiologist, the nurses, for Evan’s Mama, Daddy, your daughter – that God will guide, guard, heal, protect and strengthen all of you.

    Please tell us – will the surgery be at 7:30 Eastern or Central Time?

  5. I’m praying so hard.

    Your breast milk is a gift that is so important. As you sit listening to that horrible pump noise, just know you’re doing something for Evan that many moms are unable to maintain.

    Tons of Prayers are coming your way!

  6. I’m praying for you guys, just know that God knows we are not perfect that’s the reason he died on the cross, for our sins. He hears everything no matter how you pray. In times like these it just make you love harder like he did in all. And stronger.

  7. Holding all of you close in prayer this morning. Praying for a successful surgery and smooth recovery for Evan. {{{HUG}}}

  8. Jessica says:

    praying for you and that sweet baby! God is big enough!!!

  9. My nine-year-old son is also a cardiac patient at Dallas Children’s. I know well the ache of a mother’s heart and that excruciating feeling of helplessness. But God is faithful. You are in my prayers.

  10. Praying for Evam, his doctors, you – his amazing mama, and your entire family!

  11. Colette says:

    Praying for your brave warrior and praying for your entire family. You truly are the Fantastic Four, Czarina.

  12. Shaun Ragle says:

    I haven’t had tears fall from my eyes in a long time till today. My heart, my love and all my prayers are being sent to your family and baby boy.

  13. Rachel Nesmith says:

    If I can help, it’d be thru testimony to provide u the strength and comfort to get u thru a time your baby needs u the most. I’ve been thru alot of pain and loss in my 31 years, my faith kept me going when not much else did. I almost died the summer of 2010, via an extremely large life threatening hepatic adenoma. A race was against the clock to find a specialist willing to take my insurance and me bleeding out in rupture. It took months, begging, fear no 29yr woman should have. When I found Dr. Jeyarajiah, it was late July. The embolism of the portal veins failed to shrink the tumor , it bled some causing tons of pain. Dr was very rattled by it’s size and did not sugar coat; The propensity for me to bleed out during liver resection great. Aug.5th my Paternal Grandma Passed, at her funeral I was experiencing Liver failure. Aug. 11 was the embolism, 19th was The liver Resection. Dad was very rattled, the night before my surgery, I said Felt an overwhelming peace I was gonna be ok. I said Dad, God just isnt that cruel to take ur Mom and Daughter the same month. Today, I thank my God and Prayer warriors and my 13″x 7″ scar reminds me I survived one MANY trials most would have been consumed by like adultery and unwanted divorce, lil kids I loved ripped from my life, etc. I pray for ur family to be rejoicing this time tommorow.