It’s been a while since my fingers have touched the keyboard and allowed the turmoil in my heart to be put into words.

But, yesterday was a turning point for me.  I couldn’t breathe from the anxiety and had to sit down from the sheer magnitude of fear that swept over me.  I hadn’t had a moment like that in a long time. I’ve been pretty good about filling my life and social media feed with all the smiles and all the moments that make looking at my so called life fun and carefree.

Oh man.  What a lie that’s been.

I went to Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordeman’s tour Moxie Matters last night.  And the topic that was discussed was pain.  Maybe physical pain. Maybe emotional pain. Whatever that pain looks like – it’s all the same.  It takes your breath away, knocks you down, maybe kicks you while you’re trying to get up, and if it’s a giant SOB -it may even call you names and tell you you’re weak, alone, and helpless.

Here’s the thing, what this is….this thing…this pain I’m finally admitting to being in has finally become bigger than what I can physically handle.  It’s like the ache in my soul is starting to leak out of my eyeballs.  I thought I was crazy for this random sob fest…but really…I’m just finally doing it.  I’m finally feeling it.  Like really feeling it.

So what’s it about?  I’m aching for the what is to come.

The subject us moms in the Heartland or the parents of medically fragile kids don’t really discuss when your life is in the throes of the mundane. The beautiful mess of normalcy. The boring daily routine of the schedules that are utter bliss.   Because man…you just want to live in this land of Denial for as long as humanly possible.

But it’s coming.  And I’m effing not ready for it.  The “it” being the next season of surgeries and procedures that are so close it makes me physically ill.

And the “it” is so different now.  When we were in the hardest moments and the scariest storm, my boy had no idea what was happening to him.  He was just a baby.  What a blessing that was.  A blessing to put a baby through 3 open heart surgeries and 2 craniofacial reconstructions….yes..a blessing.  Because he had no freaking clue what was happening to him.

Now, 5 years later, my best boy goes to Kindergarten, has friends and maybe a couple of girlfriends (dude…he’s fierce), plays baseball and looks utterly adorable in the catcher’s gear that is way too big….he understands he’s different but doesn’t think twice about it.

So to turn his world upside down to bring him back to hospital life –  a life we only remember from pictures, videos and memories….

What am I supposed to do?  What am I supposed to tell him?  We have one big rule in this house and that’s we don’t lie to each other.  So, when he asks me will it hurt….how do I give him peace and give him truth?  So, when he asks me if I’m scared…how I do offer my honesty yet shield his innocence?

I’m out of practice for the fight.  Feel ill equipped for the battle.  Because, honestly, we’ve been damned happy just living.

So there’s my truth today. My soul aching for the what is to come.  My heart breaking because I know all too well …the only way to get past it….is to go through it.

The bravest kid I knowThe bravest of the brave