To my Kindergartner

To my Kindergartner,

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll ask me, “How many more sleeps until school?”

I will say, “No more sleeps!  Today is the big day!”

You have been waiting for school to start all summer.

You’re so excited to be a “big” kid.

You will carry your backpack – it’s bigger than you! – and clutch your lovie as you march into your class.

I hope you will hold my hand as we walk in…I will need you to hold me up.

Tomorrow…the day is here.  The day I have prayed for since before you were born.

The milestone of “real” school is finally among us.

I wonder if your best friend is waiting for you in the seat beside you or in front of you.

I wonder if you will take in all the new things around you with excitement like me or if you’ll be a little cautious and shy like your Daddy.

I wonder if all the questions of why, how and what will be found throughout the year of learning.

I wonder…most of all…if you’ll miss me as much as I will miss you.

I will miss our lazy mornings of cereal on the couch.

I will miss our donut runs as we head to a friend’s house to play.

I will miss perfect fall days where nothing is on our agenda…just our imaginations to keep us occupied.

I will miss hearing your little voice belt out songs in the middle of our day.

I will miss impromptu dance recitals.

I will miss our adventures to Africa (the living room), China (brother’s room), and Australia (the playroom).

I will miss silly stories and the sound of your laughter echoing through our home.

The day will not be the same without you.

This is such a big deal to me because this starts the chapter of your life where I have to learn to let go.

I have to let my heart break so you can fill yours with the love for learning, the love of friendships, the love of the new experiences that accompany “being big.”

This starts the time where you become who you are meant to be.

As your mama, I have wondered what this day would look like.  Part of me excited to find myself again in your absence.  Part of me saddened in the realization that your absence is a void that nothing can fill.

You are still just a little bit big.  I know that you are still my little girl. But, yesterday…wasn’t it just yesterday?

….I held you…all of you…in just one arm.  So tiny.

But, then, even then…you filled my heart and my soul.

But, now and forever…I love you bigger than I even imagined.

And….as you wake tomorrow…..and you’re excited, “How many more sleeps before school?” will make my heart ache a whole lot more than I ever realized.

I love you, Bug.

– Mama