Week 5 – Sabotage

Home girl Amber is hitting a bunch of nerves in my pea sized brain.

Coach – as I refer to her to my husband and friends – has been addressing some demons that have been hiding out in my closet.

One thing I’ve discovered is changing our mind is absolutely critical in changing your body.

This morning I woke up to an email from Coach Amber that addressed nutrition.

She talked about getting in our daily exercises and our rest days.  Then she went into nutrition and falling off the Body Back Bandwagon and falling victim to a craving, a bad choice.  And then she wrote this:  “You will feel empowered when you stay in control and stay disciplined. Don’t abuse yourself with more abuse. Don’t sabotage yourself.”

Sabotage: action to defeat or hinder a cause or an endeavor; deliberate subversion

How many times in my life have I done this to myself intentionally?

Seriously – I am notorious for this.  I do this in different areas of my life.

I do this with Evan all the time.  I constantly think the worse case scenario.  Not because I believe it most of the time, but because I think if I already defeat the positive…maybe the letdown or the disappointment won’t be as painful.

The other day I was in the pantry looking for a snack.  I complained to Craig and we can’t have all the chocolate chips, the Nutella (oh how I love thee…), the crunchy yummy chips in the house or I’ll give in and ruin all my hard work.

He looked at me like – girl…you crazy – and calmly said, “You’re the one that goes to the store and buys those things.  I never asked for it and neither did Iz and Evan doesn’t eat.”

I get it, ya’ll.  Sometimes there isn’t a deep, seeded underhanded intention of buying junk because sometimes you just want it.  But, when it comes down to it, I have that stuff in my house because it’s so easy to say, “It was just so hard to ignore.  I gave in.  I’ll be better next time.”

Then…I’m kind of free from blame…because the food just magically appeared in my pantry and the woes of my life overtook me, tackled me and forced me to eat a handful Hershey Kisses.

I like to sabotage myself so much because maybe I’m scared to succeed.

Silly – I know.

But, why?

Do I fear success because I’m so used to “failure?”  When I refer to “failure” it’s the failure that’s in my head.  The failure demon that whispers, “You don’t have to lose weight.  You’ll be fine just the way you are.  There’s no way you’ll be able to look as good as so and so.  The bad food tastes so much better..and it’s easier to deal with.  You’re not really worth it anyway.”

Ouch.  And yes…those voices are in my head a lot (along with the other ones I hear….).

I’m not worth it.  Why oh why?

I give so much attention to my family.  I plan everything out for them. I dress them, feed them, clean them.  About 99% of my day is for someone else.

At the end of the day – that1% that is left for me is so hard to muster up. I’d rather call my dealer “Papa John” to supply me with my crack that is a pepperoni pizza.

It’s just easier to give in and sabotage my hard work.  Because…I’ll fail anyways, right?


Remember – changing your mind needs to come first before changing your body.

I decided 5 weeks ago that I was going to make a change.  Yes…frustration and temptation are part of my day.  I want to lose 4 lbs in a day but that’s not going to happen.  I want to eat that #1 super sized, substitute the soda for a milkshake, and can I add onion rings?

This is a journey.  I feel very “The Bachelor” saying that all the time…this journey I’m on…

But it is.  It’s long.  Some stretches will be great – good work out days, good food choices.  Some stretches will be sh!t – “forgetting” to work out, bad food choices.  It’s just like life…take the good with the bad…focus on our end point…and remind yourself that everything you do or don’t do is a choice.

I think something important for me to remember is that there has to be an endpoint.  If I give myself 5 years to lose the last 11 lbs of baby weight I’ll be able to get off track easily and bounce up and down between good and bad.

I’ve set my realistic goal and I’ll stick with it.

Don’t be me.  Don’t sabotage yourself.  Don’t purposefully make a bad choice because when you look in the mirror you think you’re not deserving.

Think of the beautiful story that is your life.  You’re the star in the most exciting, melodrama, comedy, that is your everyday.  Think of how empty this world would be without you…your friends wouldn’t have you, you’re children wouldn’t have someone to look up to, your husband wouldn’t have someone to love and cherish.

Let’s stop thinking that it’s just easier to set ourselves up for failure because of those demons that sit on our shoulders saying, “You can’t.”

We’re so deserving of a life worthy of a star.




  1. So proud of you Czarina!! Oh, and I hear the same voices in my head that you hear. Yes, of course, that is the one thing I felt compelled to comment on in this post. 😉

  2. shannon says:

    So true Czarina!! Great post AGAIN! You really hit home! Thanks for getting me back on track as well!!