Week 6 – the numbers

Remember some of the best characters on TV – Jack, Hugo, John Lock on the best TV show ever…”LOST”?

That show was awesome.

I remember their obsession with “the numbers.”  The numbers that they were so fixated on….so fixated that it drove them to travel through time, make an island disappear?


An entire hit show was centered around those numbers.  I bet the writers obsessed over them, too.

I probably would have fit right in with the misfits of “LOST.”

Because, I, am also obsessed with numbers.

The number on the scale.

The number of weeks.

The number of calories.

To the point of an unhealthy obsession.

If I just wrote about my weight loss journey – the encouraging stuff, the stuff that keeps me motivated – and that’s it – I’d be lying.

Because, so much of this journey is frustrating for me.

To date, I still have 11 lbs to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.

I’ve been working out and eating clean for about 4 weeks now (the two weeks prior I wasn’t dedicated like I am now).

Coach Amber is determined to make me stop focusing on the number on the scale.

But, like all things in my life, I need a number – a specific number – to satisfy my need.

For Evan – I need him to gain at least 20 grams a day.  I need his oxygen to be between 75 -85 whenever I check it (normal is 100 for healthy people 🙁 ).

I need him to take in 105 cc’s at his feedings, which happens 7 times a day, every 3 hours, over 50 minutes.

The numbers in my life.

Even in the ICU after Evan’s surgery, I remember the nurse practioner and the doctors trying to wean me from looking at the monitors.  Because unrepaired cardiac patients can have some crazy statistics during recovery, they use good old fashioned observation in addition to those values to make sure patients are doing ok.

I remember seeing Evan’s oxygen drop for a brief moment and asking about a lab value.  The doctors continued to assure me he was making great strides in the right direction. That they wanted to see him improve – climb up the recovery ladder – and sometimes in that climb – he may have a step back.  But, they continued to tell me over and over again, is that sometimes he’ll take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back – but it’s still a step in the right direction.  And the most important thing, aside from his “numbers” is just looking at him.

How does he look?  Without the monitors, without the lab values?

Just by sight and my gut.

Now, I am trained to look at him and honestly – there are times I forget until late in the evening to check his oxygen.  I “forget” that he needs me to check it because he looks so good now.

Now….if I can just get that same perspective for myself.


When I looked my best, I was 118 lbs and a size 2.  I also worked out 2 hours a day, walked to school, and got 8-9 hours of sleep.

Now…I am stuck at 133 lbs.  I’ve been hovering around this number for the past 2 weeks.

We are playing with a few things to see if I can drop more pounds.

A critical piece in this puzzle is the fact I only get 3 hours of solid sleep a night.  With Evan’s medication and feed schedule during the week, I’m not given the luxury of more sleep than that.  On really bad nights, I’m lucky to get an hour of solid sleep. On the weekends, Craig helps out quite a bit, but still then, I’m only able to get about 4 hours of sleep.

And sleep is so critical in losing weight.  There are so many things that happen when we sleep – your muscles recover, rebuild.  And when you don’t sleep, you put more stress on your body, which calls in stress hormones.  And these hormones tend to hinder your body’s ability to lose weight.

Amber knows she can’t do a thing about my lack of sleep and the stress in my life.  So she’s doing what she can – play with my calories, give me other goals to focus on.  Because here’s the bottom line – I’m at a healthy weight and I am getting stronger.

She wants me to look at how I look in the mirror and in my clothes rather than the number that stares me in the face.  That stinkin’ number on the scale.

I’m frustrated because the number on the scale isn’t what I want it to be.


My pre-pregnancy clothes fit.  A bit snug in places…but they fit.  Which they didn’t 4 weeks ago.

Let’s talk numbers, then, shall we…

Four weeks ago:

– I was able to run 0.75 miles.

– I was able to do 2 consecutive pushups.

– I was able to pick up Iz for zero minutes – I didn’t have the strength.


– I can run over 5 miles.

– I can do 30 consecutive pushups.

– I tote around Iz like she’s as light as Evan.

– I’m down 2% body fat (2 lbs total)

– I’ve gained 4 lbs of muscle.

So, progress overall.

If I’m being completely honest, I would much rather be super skinny and see 118 lbs on the scale and not be able to lift Iz…that’s why I married big, strong Craig.

But, here we are.  I’ve suddenly gained so much strength, am looking better, feeling better….but yet….the number on the scale isn’t reflecting that.

That number is my obsession.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get passed it….even if I’m able to fit back into my size 2 clothes and have abs as tight as a drum.

It’s yet again, something I need to train my mind – and not necessarily – my body.




  1. For eight months of my pregnancy I woke up every 45 minutes to go to the bathroom. I slept much more with a newborn. I gained 67 pounds without eating all that much more than usual. As soon as I started sleeping through the night (for the most part!) I lost the weight. As of today I am down 77 pounds – point is you are right about the lack of sleep. It is a nightmare on the body. I am betting as Evan gets bigger and stronger and can go longer stretches at night, the weight will just fall off.